Change is inevitable.

Two things I really hate are cliches and hypocrisy. So I try to avoid them at all costs. One is worse than the other, of course. One has consequences, one is a sin. But I hate them both. Which means I also sometimes hate myself, because I can be a hypocrite at times. I've been in this weird phase the last few months and every time I have tried to blog, I just lose all of my thoughts and can't seem to get them out of my head. So I would imagine that this blog post will be pretty sporadic.

Let's start with my change of opinion about singleness. Growing up, I always thought I would be married by the time I was 20 (which is now!). I always romanticized the idea of dating and marriage and companionship. I've had my share of crushes and very short term relationships. I've always wanted to be a mom and a stay at home house wife. In the past year, my opinion on relationships and singleness has flipped 180. I had a pretty negative experience with someone in the past year which really influenced my current opinion. That could be a whole 'nother blog post but I choose to spare the details. Then I confronted someone else about my feelings and was not surprised to find out that it wouldn't work out. These two experiences sort of mingled with each other somehow and now I actually want to be single. In fact, I think God is going to really have to convince me to marry someone, whenever that will be. I am really enjoying my singleness right now and can really see the benefits of it. I kind of hate it when people say to me "Don't worry, God is going to bring along somebody when the timing is right!" No where in the Bible or through personal revelations has God told me that He was going to provide me with a life long companion. So, unless God has told you something He hasn't told me, you don't know that for sure. Perhaps people say that because they don't know what else to say and they want to comfort or encourage. And also, I think young women, especially Christian ones, tend to think that marriage is kind of the end goal--that once you get married, your life is complete. In my opinion, that's the most ridiculous ideal ever. But I believed it for many years. Now, I want to do so many things before I settle down and have to answer to someone other than myself. Marriage is not the end goal, but just another phase of life that you get to enjoy (and sometimes not enjoy) with another person. Anyway, if you asked me a year ago what I thought about singleness, I would try to convince you that I was content being single but in my heart I would feel the total opposite. Now, I can say with full confidence that I prefer to be single and want to remain that way for a very long time, or as long as possible.

Another shift I have made recently is my spiritual life. I don't want to use this blog as an outlet for "tell-all secrets" but I will say that my spiritual life looks completely different than it did 6 months ago. And that's ok. God doesn't love me any less or any more. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't grown up in the church, with pastors and teachers using the Bible and their faith as an excuse to push their own agenda (not all of them are that way, of course), what would my faith look like. Like if I had just happened to pick up the Bible one day, without having any prior knowledge, how different my Christianity would look. I'm still trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with God and still be my own person. I'm trying to strip away all of the negative views I  have on Christianity and all of the false teachings I've had soaked into my brain since I was young. Yet, in the midst of all of this, I still remain certain that God loves me and that my salvation is secure in Him.

Life looks a lot differently for me nowadays and I'm ok with that. It's part of growing up. If you're reading this and you know anything of how I feel or what the heck I'm talking about, know that you're not alone in this mess of life! Life is messy, but that's the beauty of it. I'm excited to see where life takes me and how I continue to grow.

Wrinkle Cream

When I'm old, I'm not gonna use wrinkle cream. I'm not gonna try to cover up all those lines across my face that society tells you makes you old and ugly. Because each of those lines tells a story. The wrinkles around my eyes will tell stories of laughter and joy spent with friends and family. The wrinkles across my forehead will tell the stories of pain and heartache that I pushed through. So, no, when I'm older and my wrinkles start to show, I'm not gonna spend hundreds of dollars on wrinkle cream to keep me looking young.


As I've been in this phase for a while now, more than a month, I think people expect me to be fine. People expect me to be fine. People expect me to get over anything that's happened. And at this point, I expect the same thing. So the easiest thing to do is put a smile on my face and act normal. Act like myself again. It's easier to convince people that way and eventually I will be. No, I haven't forgiven someone from my past for hurting me. No, I haven't let go of things that could have been. No, I don't always feel like hanging out with friends like I used to. But yes, I'm trying to be fine and I think that eventually I will be.Right now I think I'm developing more forehead wrinkles than eye wrinkles. But that's ok. Soon I will be creating more eye wrinkles. Life is a series of ups and downs. There will be times of sorrow and times of joy. Reminds me of the passage in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Why September 25 is a significant day.

Two years ago.

Two years ago today I left the country for half a year to pursue an adventure in missions. Two years ago today I left my family and friends for six months. Two years ago today I did something that I had planned on doing for over a year. Two years ago today I left for Newcastle today to complete a discipleship training school with YWAM.

I can't even believe it's been that long. Two years does not seem like it's gone by. I'm a completely different person today than I was two years ago. I mean, I'm a completely different person than I was six months ago too.

For this blog post, I want to post a few pictures from my trip that marked a significant changing point in my life.

This picture is from a day center in Riga, Latvia. This day was significant for me because it reminded me of times I felt like these kids--lonely, hopeless, sad. And it also reminded me that although things might seem dark, there is hope in the Lord.

This was one of the days that we were trying to raise the rest of the funds for our outreach. We were spending the day in worship and prayer. It was around this time that I received word that someone had anonymously donated $1200 (exactly the amount I needed for outreach) to me. This was the day that I really saw God's provision right at work!

This girl. This girl represents God's ability to change hearts. This night was the night that I saw that at work. That's all I will say :)

This was the day that I spent homeless. I slept on a train with newspaper to keep me warm. I ate crackers and expired chips for dinner. I walked around the beach and prayed for people. This day changed my life and my perspective.

This was the first day I got to explore a bit of Australia. My beautiful friend Emma let us stay with her for a few days before DTS started. We went to this zoo and got to feed kangaroos. I was in bliss. This was the beginning of my dreams coming true!

This might have been one of the most significant days of my life. My friend Manu and I got to talk with a cross-dresser we met in the red light district of Sydney. This was also the day (I think) that I gave my purity ring away to a homeless, heroine-addicted woman. It was beautiful. If you want to read more about this day, go to 

http://gloriouslyforgiven.blogspot.com/2013/01/living-like-jesus-loving-prostitutes.html 

This was the day after we arrived in Moldova. I was in culture shock for a few days. But God showed me that His light was bright enough to shine in the darkest of places.

This was the day I decided to go to Latvia/Moldova on outreach. This was a hard decision for me because I couldn't decide between there or Thailand. This was the time that God showed me that He doesn't necessarily show me directly what He wants me to do, but He allows me to make my own decisions all the while trusting in Him.

This day Katie, Jess, and I were able to teach kids English in a village in Moldova. Little did I know that this day would play a significant role in a decision in my life two years later.

Australia, I miss you. Latvia, I miss you. Moldova, I miss you.

Real Talk.

Why don't Christians talk about stuff like anger and bitterness and unforgiveness? Perhaps in some circles we do, but most of the time that I talk to other Christians about these things, it's always "don't be angry! Keep bitterness away! Talk to God and He will help you forgive!" Sure, those things are true, but good grief, it's not practical. I think sometimes we just breeze over these topics because they're unpleasant or hard to talk about. Maybe it's because it's just easier to say "don't feel those things because they're wrong" and then talk about things we should be doing, like reading our Bibles and praying, and giving to the poor. But recently I've been in this phase of life where I've been feeling a lot of anger and bitterness because of some unfortunate situations I've experienced this summer. So of course, I've been faced with the decision of "do I let my anger turn into bitterness" or "do I forgive myself and this person and live my life in peace and joy?" Well, honestly I've been choosing the former. I've never been that person. I've never been an angry person. I've never been a person who wants revenge. I've never been a person to hold on to things. I've never been the kind of person who would rather spend time alone than out with people. But hey, apparently that's what bitterness does to you. People often say "your problem isn't the problem; it's the attitude about the problem that's the problem." Yeah, I agree with that. But I don't know, I think people often just use that as an excuse to not deal with or process whatever problem it is they're facing. Like, hey, I know that I shouldn't be angry and I should just forgive and have a good attitude, so I'm gonna smile and pretend like everything is ok just so people don't ask me incessant questions and try to lecture me about my attitude." But gosh, then people don't ever learn how to healthily manage their problems or recover from a painful situation. I think it's okay to be angry. I don't think it's okay to be angry forever. But we're human, God has given us these emotions for a reason. When we're feeling sad, upset, hurt, angry, bitter, that's God trying to tell us to come to Him. And either we listen and run like heck back into His arms, or we ignore Him and try to do things our way. Guess what I've been doing lately? I'm in this spot where I'm trying to process things and trying to be okay with things, and trying to have a good attitude, but all of this anger and bitterness just sorta creeps into everything I do. I'm not saying that it's acceptable to be bitter and withhold forgiveness, but I think that generally, unless you're a superhuman who forgives (and I mean REALLY forgives) the second someone wrongs you, there's going to be this time period where you are angry. You're so angry that you scream in your car because that's the only place no one can hear you. There's gonna be times when you're sad. So sad that you cry in the shower because that's the only place where people won't see. There's gonna be times where you're so upset that when your new blender doesn't work, you collapse on the kitchen floor in a pool of tears until you realize you didn't assemble it properly. And that's okay. As long as you don't stay there.

I'm not an expert at this forgiveness thing, because honestly, in my life, I have been blessed in the fact that I have not been seriously, emotionally hurt by a lot of people. So forgiveness has just come easily to me. But once you hit adulthood, friendships and relationships with people suddenly become more complicated. And people do stupid things that hurt other people. So, then you're faced with this new challenge: forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself, forgiveness of other people. How do you even do that?! I'm still figuring it out. I think it's also a time thing. A friend told me today that time is the answer for everything. Time requires patience, you know. I can be patient in waiting for cookies to bake, or patient in waiting for Christmas to come. But I'm not very patient when it comes to things in myself or other people that I want fixed. So, here I am, bitter, angry, inpatient, broken, and trying to let God put all the pieces back together.

This probably seems like one of the more depressing posts that I've written, and maybe not filled with so many encouraging, uplifting, spiritual topics, but hey, the last thing I want to be is a hypocrite. A reason I blog is to encourage other people with my story. And maybe there are some people out there who are struggling with a similar thing I am, and will get hope from this. Hope because you're not the only one out there struggling to live a perfect, Christian life. Hope because if God hasn't given up on me, He sure hasn't given up on you. So, I'm wanting to be real with all these people who read my blog, and I hope that somehow you can take something away from this post. And hey, comments are always welcome if you ever have any advice for me. :)

For now, I'm in this healing process, and yeah, sometimes it sucks, but I know I will come out on the other side stronger. And hey people, let's not forget to talk about these hard topics in church, in smallgroups, in our mentorship relationships. Because it's a real thing that people struggle with, and I think Christians are pretty good at hiding how they really feel because they feel shameful that they feel this way. But talking things out and working through things is the only way that people will start to return back to their normal, happy, whole, forgiving selves that once again feel like they have a purpose and that God is by their side.

Cheers!

The Purge

I've been wanting to blog for a few weeks now. But every time I want to, it seems like something else significant in life pops up that I wait to learn a life lesson from so I can blog about it.

Wowza, this summer has been a whirlwind! Truly it has. Really, this year has been. I think I mentioned this in the last post, but my life the past year has been the most difficult and most challenging thus far. And I'm sure it's not getting easier. But, hey, once your an adult, life is way harder, right? I've experienced some hard things this summer and I'm just now trying to piece together all of the things that God has been trying to teach me. It's a bit of a challenge, to say the least.

I've been really frustrated with myself this summer. Frustrated with my growth as a person, as a believer, as a friend, and as a woman. There are things that I've done and that other individuals in my life has done that has stunted my growth, and while I'm not thrilled about that, I know God has me in this specific place for a reason. There's been this sort of continual "purging" of things in my life this summer. Purging of mistakes I've been holding onto, purging of sins that I can't let go of, purging of the pain that I'm grasping onto so tightly. And it sucks, actually. But it's really good also.

Sometimes, God surprises me. In a lot of ways, but lately He's surprised me by how different my pain threshold for things have been. For instance, something that I didn't think would affect me a ton has given me an incredible amount of pain. But then there's this other thing that I thought would break my heart but I'm feeling really good and at peace about it. I'm learning how to sort through my emotions and learn what things are important to be upset about and what things I just need to let go of.

This phase of my life has been an interesting one to say the least. This past year, I've learned so many life lessons, made so many stupid mistakes, grown as a person and in my faith, and experienced a lot of pain and also a lot of joy. Most of the struggles I've had revolve around relationships. As a single lady, like many others, think about marriage and what I'm missing out on and wishing I was in a relationship, and all of that. But lately I've been really appreciating my singlehood.

I haven't always appreciated that. It goes back and forth, sort of in waves. I've finally cleared the air with a few people and now I feel free to move on and just really enjoy single life without the longing for a particular person or for my singleness to end. After a really hard conversation with someone, something I thought would be agonizingly painful, I felt really free and happy after talking through some things and what not. And now I'm actually really excited about being single. This is such a cliche thing to say, but I think singleness really is a gift. For a period of time, at least. For me, I feel like there is so much I want to experience still before I am in a committed relationship. My first love is traveling. So, I want to be able to experience that without anyone holding me back. Which means, singleness might be my best friend for a while yet. I want to learn how to be content with doing things on my own. I've always been an extrovert and a really outgoing person, and have hated when I'm alone for longer than an hour. But recently I've been thoroughly enjoying my alone time and wishing I had more of it.

I'm excited to see where God takes me next in this phase of life. Like I've said in previous posts, this last year has been the hardest year of my life. Maybe next year I will say the same thing about this year. But I do know that through every trial and tribulation, God strengthens us to be more like Him and more capable of enduring hardships. So, with that said, I feel ready to tackle anything the world decides to throw at me!

A Lamb Among Wolves

Hello again! It's been a while, as usual. It seems like I get overzealous about blogging. Like, I think I will blog, you know, like twice a month, or at least once, and then nope, it's been 3. Or 4. Or 8. Whatever. But, I'm back! Where do I begin? That seems like a familiar phrase. Probably because I wait so long to blog that I don't know where to start filling you in on my life. But I'll try. And hopefully succeed!

The last blog I posted took a while for me to write. I had been thinking about blogging since about January, but I just kept putting if off. I kept getting busier and more stressed, and then more apathetic. So then it took till May to finally write it. I said this in the last post, I believe, but these last 8 or 9 months have been some of the most challenging months of my life. This has been the roughest season in my life so far. And I'm sure there will be rougher. I've experienced so many changes in almost every aspect of my life. I moved, twice. I started and quitted a few jobs (still working on recovering from that). I entered and exited a pretty manipulative relationship within a few short months. I switched churches. I changed friend circles. I developed  a tolerance for spicy food. The list goes on and on. But through it all, God has remained faithful. Perhaps that's a cliche thing to say, but it definitely doesn't hold less meaning because some people overuse that phrase.

I feel like I'm growing up. Well, of course Laura, you might think, you're supposed to!  Yeah, but during high school there wasn't a whole lot of growth. Sure, my ACT scores increased per year, and I grew a few inches taller, and lost weight in my cheeks, but that's it. There wasn't much for me to have to really depend on God for in high school. Then I took a year off and travelled the world and saw some incredible things. Then I came back and felt totally lost. Like, where do I start life again? What am I doing here? What do I do with my life?! All of those terrific thoughts. Then I felt like I was gonna do ok. I was working at a bank as a teller (big girl job woo!) and going to community college on a full ride scholarship. Sure, I'll just go to school for two years then transfer to a university and meet my husband and get married and travel and do missions for a bit then settle down and have kids and all that. Well, that fantasy quickly got crushed when I quit my job at the bank and got into a car crash a few weeks after I moved out of my parents' house. So much has changed in my life that I look back at myself a year ago and I'm like, what? Who is that girl?

I've finally figured out what I want to study once I get to a university. So that's pretty exciting for me. I'm looking at opportunities now to do internships or volunteer work abroad with the program I will be studying in. So, look out world, (literally) 'cuz I'm gonna be overseas again soon! God has been really patient with me, I'd say. I mean, He's known what He wants me to do since the beginning of time, right? So He's just been waiting for me to catch a glimpse of what that is. And now that I have, it's pretty exciting!

I've sort of abandoned the idea of completely planning my life. When I was in high school, I had this terrific plan for what my life would be after I graduate. I go to a four year degree. Major in something safe; something I'd probably never use because I was just going to be a stay at home mom anyway. I'd meet a great group of friends my freshmen year. I'd start dating someone in that friend circle my sophomore year. Then junior year he would propose. Then we'd get married after graduation. Then I'd have a family. And the rest is history. You know, that might be a dream life for some people, and that's totally fine--it was for me for the longest time! But now that I've seen so much in my short years of life, I don't want that anymore. I can't plan out how my life is going to go. I mean, I can, but I will be sorely disappointed. So far that is not how my life has worked out and I'm totally grateful! If I knew what I was going to be doing for the rest of my life, if I knew when I'd be getting married, if I knew how many kids I would have, if I knew how much money I would be living off of, then where's the faith? It's nonexistent. So yeah, I've abandoned the idea or the practice of planning long term things in my life. Instead, I'm choosing to live off of faith.

I have a dear friend who has been learning a lot about relationships lately. She's been interested in this guy for like 8 months now and she's been going crazy. She has no idea how he feels about her even though they are great friends. She told me today that she had finally surrendered him to the Lord. Genuinely surrendered. She told me that she had gone on a walk and thought, gosh, I wish he was here with my just enjoying this evening. But she also thought, well, it's super possible that nothing will ever happen, and I'm ok with that. She said instead of asking God to just take away these feelings, that she instead recognized the obvious fact that the feelings would still probably be there for a bit longer, but she could just wait and trust that God would take care of things and that He would bring along somebody if that was His will and in His timing. So that was encouraging to hear.

That got me thinking about singleness. Like, what am I doing with my life? I can be doing SO much with my singleness right now. Am I? Eh, that's debatable. I was convicted a bit that I haven't been living up to my full potential. I'm not meeting my goals, nor am I really setting any. I have all of this time and energy I can use to minister and to serve and to really invest in Kingdom work, but am I? Sometimes. Enough? Probably not. Because sometimes I'm distracted. Sometimes I'm discouraged. Sometimes I'm apathetic. Sometimes I'm scared. But I don't wanna be that way anymore. I'm trusting in God's strength to help me change once again for the better, for His glory, to be more like His Son.

A verse that has really spoken to me is this: "'Go', Christ says to his disciples, 'I am sending you out like lambs amongst wolves. Do not take a purse or bag or sandals. When you enter a town...heal the sick who are there and tell them, 'The kingdom of God is near you'" (Luke 10:3-4).

Kingdom journey. That's what I'm on.

God, give me faith.

Through doubt, faith emerges...

I've been wanting to blog for months. Yes, I mean months. But things have just gotten in the way. It's somehow therapeutic for me to blog, not that I do it often. But when I do, I feel like I'm just getting all my thoughts that have been trapped inside my head for so long out and sent via internet waves into some invisible and untouchable filing cabinet. I haven't blogged for about eight months, and in those eight months, my life has completely flipped upside down. Without any doubt, I could say that the last two semesters, particularly this semester, have been the most challenging and scariest season of my life. I've never felt doubt this strong before but I've also never felt assurance and faith this strong. It's such a weird conflicting happenstance that somehow meshes perfectly together. To save you from hours and hours of reading my whole life story the past eight months, I'll just share the important lessons I've learned and hopefully leave you with some new ideas, new insights, and new ways of looking at life. I don't want to compartmentalize the areas of my life and try to explain each to you, so bear with me as my thoughts might be a bit jumbled.

I had the privilege and blessing to be able to live with a few fantastic girls for about 4 months and it was so cool to be able experience just a bit of what "being an adult and living on your own" is kind of like. During that time, I built a relationship with one of my roommates that I think will last a lifetime. I believe God placed us in each other's lives at just the right moment, and took an experience we both faced, unbeknownst to us, and turned it into an opportunity for us to develop a unique and encouraging friendship--well, sistership, really. Someone asked me the other day if I had known this friend since childhood, and I chuckled and said no, that I've only known her for less than a year. In less than a year, God blessed me with this incredible friendship and I truly believe that without this girl's presence and influence in my life the past two semesters, my life would have ended up in a totally different direction. And for that, I'm forever grateful.

I've learned a lot about relationships this season as well. Not just romantic relationships, although that was a big part of it, but friendships, and family relationships. Relationships of all kinds, really. It's been painful, fun, challenging, rewarding, disappointing, and totally made a new person out of me. The last blog post I wrote talked about singlehood, and it makes me laugh that I didn't really listen to my own advice in that. Shows me what a hypocrite I can be sometimes and how quickly I can forget the promises that God has laid out for me. In regards to marriage, I've realized that it's not my final destination nor can it be my end goal. If that is the case, then I'm missing out on so many opportunity's God could have for me by using me in my singleness and my "freedom" for lack of a better word. I was encouraged by a talk with my pastor who told me that these years I have of singlehood (well, who knows how long it could be, God never promised me a life of marriage bliss ;) ) are so fruitful for ministry. That encouraged me greatly. It allowed me to take the focus off of myself, you know? Another friend also told me that this time is such a crucial time of my development as a person, which I'm starting to understand more and more. So, I don't think I will ever find this magic potion to make myself completely focus on God and not on the hopes of a relationship, but I believe God can and use me in this time and in my desire for marriage.

I've learned so much about family relationships during this season as well. Mostly I've learned these things because of my church (which I will talk more about later). Unknowingly, they taught me and challenged me in ways that I can't even begin to describe. They taught me, by actions, the importance of family relationships. I could see the loyalty, love, sincerity, and devotion they held to their parents especially, and siblings as well. I've never really been a big "family girl" as awful as that sounds-- I've spent most of my teenage years really investing times in friendships outside of my family, but now I've realized the importance of building friendships within my family. There have been some major changes in my family the last few months and I've seen God work in some incredible ways. Due to some specific circumstances, I made the choice to move back home with my parents a few months ago, and the support I've received from my parents have been totally overwhelming. Their generosity and love towards me have blessed me in ways I can't describe. I've really been displayed unconditional love and for that too, I am forever grateful.

Perhaps the most exciting thing that has happened to me this season is finding a new church! Last summer, after getting back from my trip (I've been home for over a year now! What!) I was church searching. The process was more difficult than I thought it would be. I was blessed to grow up in an amazing church so I never had to search for a new church, so this was a whole new experience for me. By the end of the summer, after visiting several churches and trying desperately to plug in somewhere, I was just exhausted and discouraged. I think I had given up a bit. At the same time, I was looking for an international student group to be a part of on the Butler campus, the community college I am attending. So I researched and emailed a few people, but that semester there were no organizations running at the moment because the professor in charge of that was on sabbatical. So, of course, I'm disappointed, but I had this thought just to get on the Wichita State University website and see if they had any groups I could be a part of even thought I wasn't enrolled there. So I scrolled through their lists of student activities, and the name, The Mission, caught my eye. I clicked on it and it took me to their facebook page which gave me information about this organization. I was both encouraged and excited as I read it was a church on the WSU campus that was composed of international students. Sign me up! So, I messaged the group, not sure who I would have respond to me. Not even an hour later, I received a message back from my now pastor, who encouraged me to come to their service the following Sunday. So, I took a leap of faith. A big, scary, leap of faith. I decided to go visit this church by myself, thinking, hmmm, I might be one of the only Americans there. I had never really been on the WSU campus before, so it took me literally like 20 minutes to find the place we meet at (that's irrelevant but comical now that I look back on it), and once I did, I stepped out of my car, wiped the sweat on my hands onto my pants, and shyfully walked in. I was greeted by my pastor and a few other people (who I definitely do not remember who they were now haha) and then I took a seat. My whole entire body was just taking in the environment around me. Little did I know that I had to introduce myself in front to everyone, with a microphone too. So I tried my best to explain how I found the church and that I wasn't actually a student at WSU and all that. Out of all the churches I had visited last summer, this by far was the church I felt most welcomed in. Which is funny, because I was one out of only a few Americans there. They welcomed me like I've never been welcomed before. That was an awesome feeling. That, coupled with my pastor's message he gave, really pulled me in. I started coming back and trying my best to develop friendships with people, and it wasn't until November that I really wanted to fully commit myself to attending and being part of this church. And I am SO happy I did. Without a doubt, I am confident that God led me to this beautiful body of believers. I could probably spend several more pages talking about this church and the impact they've had on me, but nobody has time for that! So I will just say, I am so incredibly blessed to be part of this body and the love and support I've felt from these people cannot even be compared to anything I've felt before. God has taught me so much here and I'm excited to see how much more He will do!

I've never been quite so uncertain about my future or even my present than I have been this semester. I've battled doubt with my faith, and still am continuing to that in some ways; I've battled doubt with myself and my capabilities; I've battled doubt with my future. For a while, everything looked so hopeless. This semester, I had some health issues resurface that caused quite a bit of struggle and pain. That combined with my lack of direction and motivation for my future really took me down. I'm doing considerably better now, by the grace of God, the support of my family, and unconditional love from my church family. There have been days this semester that I couldn't even get out of bed because I felt so exhausted and defeated--in every sense of the word. But I've learned the best place I could ever be is where I feel completely powerless in own abilities and with no hope but for a Savior. Through my weaknesses (and I have a lot of them) God has the massive opportunity to show His strength. And He has. Definitely. The Lord has also taught me that even in this struggle of the flesh and my inability or lack of faith, God can still use me. God wants to use us no matter how limited or incapable we may feel or actually are! That's an encouraging thought.

I could write so much more, but perhaps I'll save some for later. God has grown me SO much during this time and even though it's been really painful and discouraging at times, I am so grateful that each and every day, He is making me more like His Son.  Lord, You must increase and I must decrease.