Through doubt, faith emerges...

I've been wanting to blog for months. Yes, I mean months. But things have just gotten in the way. It's somehow therapeutic for me to blog, not that I do it often. But when I do, I feel like I'm just getting all my thoughts that have been trapped inside my head for so long out and sent via internet waves into some invisible and untouchable filing cabinet. I haven't blogged for about eight months, and in those eight months, my life has completely flipped upside down. Without any doubt, I could say that the last two semesters, particularly this semester, have been the most challenging and scariest season of my life. I've never felt doubt this strong before but I've also never felt assurance and faith this strong. It's such a weird conflicting happenstance that somehow meshes perfectly together. To save you from hours and hours of reading my whole life story the past eight months, I'll just share the important lessons I've learned and hopefully leave you with some new ideas, new insights, and new ways of looking at life. I don't want to compartmentalize the areas of my life and try to explain each to you, so bear with me as my thoughts might be a bit jumbled.

I had the privilege and blessing to be able to live with a few fantastic girls for about 4 months and it was so cool to be able experience just a bit of what "being an adult and living on your own" is kind of like. During that time, I built a relationship with one of my roommates that I think will last a lifetime. I believe God placed us in each other's lives at just the right moment, and took an experience we both faced, unbeknownst to us, and turned it into an opportunity for us to develop a unique and encouraging friendship--well, sistership, really. Someone asked me the other day if I had known this friend since childhood, and I chuckled and said no, that I've only known her for less than a year. In less than a year, God blessed me with this incredible friendship and I truly believe that without this girl's presence and influence in my life the past two semesters, my life would have ended up in a totally different direction. And for that, I'm forever grateful.

I've learned a lot about relationships this season as well. Not just romantic relationships, although that was a big part of it, but friendships, and family relationships. Relationships of all kinds, really. It's been painful, fun, challenging, rewarding, disappointing, and totally made a new person out of me. The last blog post I wrote talked about singlehood, and it makes me laugh that I didn't really listen to my own advice in that. Shows me what a hypocrite I can be sometimes and how quickly I can forget the promises that God has laid out for me. In regards to marriage, I've realized that it's not my final destination nor can it be my end goal. If that is the case, then I'm missing out on so many opportunity's God could have for me by using me in my singleness and my "freedom" for lack of a better word. I was encouraged by a talk with my pastor who told me that these years I have of singlehood (well, who knows how long it could be, God never promised me a life of marriage bliss ;) ) are so fruitful for ministry. That encouraged me greatly. It allowed me to take the focus off of myself, you know? Another friend also told me that this time is such a crucial time of my development as a person, which I'm starting to understand more and more. So, I don't think I will ever find this magic potion to make myself completely focus on God and not on the hopes of a relationship, but I believe God can and use me in this time and in my desire for marriage.

I've learned so much about family relationships during this season as well. Mostly I've learned these things because of my church (which I will talk more about later). Unknowingly, they taught me and challenged me in ways that I can't even begin to describe. They taught me, by actions, the importance of family relationships. I could see the loyalty, love, sincerity, and devotion they held to their parents especially, and siblings as well. I've never really been a big "family girl" as awful as that sounds-- I've spent most of my teenage years really investing times in friendships outside of my family, but now I've realized the importance of building friendships within my family. There have been some major changes in my family the last few months and I've seen God work in some incredible ways. Due to some specific circumstances, I made the choice to move back home with my parents a few months ago, and the support I've received from my parents have been totally overwhelming. Their generosity and love towards me have blessed me in ways I can't describe. I've really been displayed unconditional love and for that too, I am forever grateful.

Perhaps the most exciting thing that has happened to me this season is finding a new church! Last summer, after getting back from my trip (I've been home for over a year now! What!) I was church searching. The process was more difficult than I thought it would be. I was blessed to grow up in an amazing church so I never had to search for a new church, so this was a whole new experience for me. By the end of the summer, after visiting several churches and trying desperately to plug in somewhere, I was just exhausted and discouraged. I think I had given up a bit. At the same time, I was looking for an international student group to be a part of on the Butler campus, the community college I am attending. So I researched and emailed a few people, but that semester there were no organizations running at the moment because the professor in charge of that was on sabbatical. So, of course, I'm disappointed, but I had this thought just to get on the Wichita State University website and see if they had any groups I could be a part of even thought I wasn't enrolled there. So I scrolled through their lists of student activities, and the name, The Mission, caught my eye. I clicked on it and it took me to their facebook page which gave me information about this organization. I was both encouraged and excited as I read it was a church on the WSU campus that was composed of international students. Sign me up! So, I messaged the group, not sure who I would have respond to me. Not even an hour later, I received a message back from my now pastor, who encouraged me to come to their service the following Sunday. So, I took a leap of faith. A big, scary, leap of faith. I decided to go visit this church by myself, thinking, hmmm, I might be one of the only Americans there. I had never really been on the WSU campus before, so it took me literally like 20 minutes to find the place we meet at (that's irrelevant but comical now that I look back on it), and once I did, I stepped out of my car, wiped the sweat on my hands onto my pants, and shyfully walked in. I was greeted by my pastor and a few other people (who I definitely do not remember who they were now haha) and then I took a seat. My whole entire body was just taking in the environment around me. Little did I know that I had to introduce myself in front to everyone, with a microphone too. So I tried my best to explain how I found the church and that I wasn't actually a student at WSU and all that. Out of all the churches I had visited last summer, this by far was the church I felt most welcomed in. Which is funny, because I was one out of only a few Americans there. They welcomed me like I've never been welcomed before. That was an awesome feeling. That, coupled with my pastor's message he gave, really pulled me in. I started coming back and trying my best to develop friendships with people, and it wasn't until November that I really wanted to fully commit myself to attending and being part of this church. And I am SO happy I did. Without a doubt, I am confident that God led me to this beautiful body of believers. I could probably spend several more pages talking about this church and the impact they've had on me, but nobody has time for that! So I will just say, I am so incredibly blessed to be part of this body and the love and support I've felt from these people cannot even be compared to anything I've felt before. God has taught me so much here and I'm excited to see how much more He will do!

I've never been quite so uncertain about my future or even my present than I have been this semester. I've battled doubt with my faith, and still am continuing to that in some ways; I've battled doubt with myself and my capabilities; I've battled doubt with my future. For a while, everything looked so hopeless. This semester, I had some health issues resurface that caused quite a bit of struggle and pain. That combined with my lack of direction and motivation for my future really took me down. I'm doing considerably better now, by the grace of God, the support of my family, and unconditional love from my church family. There have been days this semester that I couldn't even get out of bed because I felt so exhausted and defeated--in every sense of the word. But I've learned the best place I could ever be is where I feel completely powerless in own abilities and with no hope but for a Savior. Through my weaknesses (and I have a lot of them) God has the massive opportunity to show His strength. And He has. Definitely. The Lord has also taught me that even in this struggle of the flesh and my inability or lack of faith, God can still use me. God wants to use us no matter how limited or incapable we may feel or actually are! That's an encouraging thought.

I could write so much more, but perhaps I'll save some for later. God has grown me SO much during this time and even though it's been really painful and discouraging at times, I am so grateful that each and every day, He is making me more like His Son.  Lord, You must increase and I must decrease.