Change is inevitable.

Two things I really hate are cliches and hypocrisy. So I try to avoid them at all costs. One is worse than the other, of course. One has consequences, one is a sin. But I hate them both. Which means I also sometimes hate myself, because I can be a hypocrite at times. I've been in this weird phase the last few months and every time I have tried to blog, I just lose all of my thoughts and can't seem to get them out of my head. So I would imagine that this blog post will be pretty sporadic.

Let's start with my change of opinion about singleness. Growing up, I always thought I would be married by the time I was 20 (which is now!). I always romanticized the idea of dating and marriage and companionship. I've had my share of crushes and very short term relationships. I've always wanted to be a mom and a stay at home house wife. In the past year, my opinion on relationships and singleness has flipped 180. I had a pretty negative experience with someone in the past year which really influenced my current opinion. That could be a whole 'nother blog post but I choose to spare the details. Then I confronted someone else about my feelings and was not surprised to find out that it wouldn't work out. These two experiences sort of mingled with each other somehow and now I actually want to be single. In fact, I think God is going to really have to convince me to marry someone, whenever that will be. I am really enjoying my singleness right now and can really see the benefits of it. I kind of hate it when people say to me "Don't worry, God is going to bring along somebody when the timing is right!" No where in the Bible or through personal revelations has God told me that He was going to provide me with a life long companion. So, unless God has told you something He hasn't told me, you don't know that for sure. Perhaps people say that because they don't know what else to say and they want to comfort or encourage. And also, I think young women, especially Christian ones, tend to think that marriage is kind of the end goal--that once you get married, your life is complete. In my opinion, that's the most ridiculous ideal ever. But I believed it for many years. Now, I want to do so many things before I settle down and have to answer to someone other than myself. Marriage is not the end goal, but just another phase of life that you get to enjoy (and sometimes not enjoy) with another person. Anyway, if you asked me a year ago what I thought about singleness, I would try to convince you that I was content being single but in my heart I would feel the total opposite. Now, I can say with full confidence that I prefer to be single and want to remain that way for a very long time, or as long as possible.

Another shift I have made recently is my spiritual life. I don't want to use this blog as an outlet for "tell-all secrets" but I will say that my spiritual life looks completely different than it did 6 months ago. And that's ok. God doesn't love me any less or any more. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't grown up in the church, with pastors and teachers using the Bible and their faith as an excuse to push their own agenda (not all of them are that way, of course), what would my faith look like. Like if I had just happened to pick up the Bible one day, without having any prior knowledge, how different my Christianity would look. I'm still trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with God and still be my own person. I'm trying to strip away all of the negative views I  have on Christianity and all of the false teachings I've had soaked into my brain since I was young. Yet, in the midst of all of this, I still remain certain that God loves me and that my salvation is secure in Him.

Life looks a lot differently for me nowadays and I'm ok with that. It's part of growing up. If you're reading this and you know anything of how I feel or what the heck I'm talking about, know that you're not alone in this mess of life! Life is messy, but that's the beauty of it. I'm excited to see where life takes me and how I continue to grow.