Real Talk.

Why don't Christians talk about stuff like anger and bitterness and unforgiveness? Perhaps in some circles we do, but most of the time that I talk to other Christians about these things, it's always "don't be angry! Keep bitterness away! Talk to God and He will help you forgive!" Sure, those things are true, but good grief, it's not practical. I think sometimes we just breeze over these topics because they're unpleasant or hard to talk about. Maybe it's because it's just easier to say "don't feel those things because they're wrong" and then talk about things we should be doing, like reading our Bibles and praying, and giving to the poor. But recently I've been in this phase of life where I've been feeling a lot of anger and bitterness because of some unfortunate situations I've experienced this summer. So of course, I've been faced with the decision of "do I let my anger turn into bitterness" or "do I forgive myself and this person and live my life in peace and joy?" Well, honestly I've been choosing the former. I've never been that person. I've never been an angry person. I've never been a person who wants revenge. I've never been a person to hold on to things. I've never been the kind of person who would rather spend time alone than out with people. But hey, apparently that's what bitterness does to you. People often say "your problem isn't the problem; it's the attitude about the problem that's the problem." Yeah, I agree with that. But I don't know, I think people often just use that as an excuse to not deal with or process whatever problem it is they're facing. Like, hey, I know that I shouldn't be angry and I should just forgive and have a good attitude, so I'm gonna smile and pretend like everything is ok just so people don't ask me incessant questions and try to lecture me about my attitude." But gosh, then people don't ever learn how to healthily manage their problems or recover from a painful situation. I think it's okay to be angry. I don't think it's okay to be angry forever. But we're human, God has given us these emotions for a reason. When we're feeling sad, upset, hurt, angry, bitter, that's God trying to tell us to come to Him. And either we listen and run like heck back into His arms, or we ignore Him and try to do things our way. Guess what I've been doing lately? I'm in this spot where I'm trying to process things and trying to be okay with things, and trying to have a good attitude, but all of this anger and bitterness just sorta creeps into everything I do. I'm not saying that it's acceptable to be bitter and withhold forgiveness, but I think that generally, unless you're a superhuman who forgives (and I mean REALLY forgives) the second someone wrongs you, there's going to be this time period where you are angry. You're so angry that you scream in your car because that's the only place no one can hear you. There's gonna be times when you're sad. So sad that you cry in the shower because that's the only place where people won't see. There's gonna be times where you're so upset that when your new blender doesn't work, you collapse on the kitchen floor in a pool of tears until you realize you didn't assemble it properly. And that's okay. As long as you don't stay there.

I'm not an expert at this forgiveness thing, because honestly, in my life, I have been blessed in the fact that I have not been seriously, emotionally hurt by a lot of people. So forgiveness has just come easily to me. But once you hit adulthood, friendships and relationships with people suddenly become more complicated. And people do stupid things that hurt other people. So, then you're faced with this new challenge: forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself, forgiveness of other people. How do you even do that?! I'm still figuring it out. I think it's also a time thing. A friend told me today that time is the answer for everything. Time requires patience, you know. I can be patient in waiting for cookies to bake, or patient in waiting for Christmas to come. But I'm not very patient when it comes to things in myself or other people that I want fixed. So, here I am, bitter, angry, inpatient, broken, and trying to let God put all the pieces back together.

This probably seems like one of the more depressing posts that I've written, and maybe not filled with so many encouraging, uplifting, spiritual topics, but hey, the last thing I want to be is a hypocrite. A reason I blog is to encourage other people with my story. And maybe there are some people out there who are struggling with a similar thing I am, and will get hope from this. Hope because you're not the only one out there struggling to live a perfect, Christian life. Hope because if God hasn't given up on me, He sure hasn't given up on you. So, I'm wanting to be real with all these people who read my blog, and I hope that somehow you can take something away from this post. And hey, comments are always welcome if you ever have any advice for me. :)

For now, I'm in this healing process, and yeah, sometimes it sucks, but I know I will come out on the other side stronger. And hey people, let's not forget to talk about these hard topics in church, in smallgroups, in our mentorship relationships. Because it's a real thing that people struggle with, and I think Christians are pretty good at hiding how they really feel because they feel shameful that they feel this way. But talking things out and working through things is the only way that people will start to return back to their normal, happy, whole, forgiving selves that once again feel like they have a purpose and that God is by their side.

Cheers!