Happenings as of late

Hello all, sorry I have been so terrible at keeping you updated since I've been back from my trip.

As you may have noticed, I changed around my blog a bit. I am no longer "aussie bound" so I decided to make it more current :)

I have been home for almost 6 months now, which freaks me out a lot. I don't quite know how to start sharing about what my life has been like because it's been a bit of everything, really. Because it would take heaps of time to summarize the last 6 months, I'll just tell you about my last few weeks, hey!

Gosh, since I've been back, my life hasn't really made much sense. To be honest, I've been pretty unhappy back in Wichita. It's like, well, I travelled the world, essentially, for 6 months, and now I am back in Kansas going to community college and working a--what most people would call--boring desk job. I've never considered myself a pessimist, in fact, most people would probably see an optimist in me just because I am so smiley and outgoing and all of that surface stuff. But really, I typically tend to see the worse in things. In people, in situations, in life. That's just a part of me, I guess. What is my purpose in life here? is the question I ask myself almost every day, or at least I did. Recently I've just been existing; I haven't even been trying to challenge myself with the Lord's calling for my life in the moment. Of course I know I should be content here because this is where God has placed me for the moment. I know that I should be actively involved in a church and in serving others. I know I should be reading my Bible every day and spending time with Christ in prayer. I know I shouldn't be wasting my days by sleeping or watching movies. I know I should be actively seeking out relationships in hope to share the joy of Christ that I have been privileged to receive. Ha! I *know* all of these things, but have I been doing them?
The simple answer is no. The simple answer is I am a sinner.

I've sort of been in this "slump" lately. It's like somehow I've been treading in this gigantic sea and have been barely keeping my head above water the whole time, in hopes that someone or something will come along and toss me a life saver. It's like I've been waiting for someone to tell me, "Hey Laura, get your life together! Quit being lazy and go do something! Quit dwelling on the past but instead live in the place God has you now!" or " Come on, Laura, you've been searching for a new church for almost 6 months now. Just pick one already!" or "Geez Laura, I know you really want to go to Germany to do missions, but why can't you do missions here?" Or maybe I'm waiting for someone to hand me the secret to contentment here. I'm waiting for all of these things to happen, and it's like finally now I have realized that the gigantic sea I was struggling to keep my head above, was really just the shallow end of a swimming pool. All I needed to do was plant my feet on Solid Ground and just do it.

I think I've been searching for all the wrong "right" things. Let me explain. So, it's great to be involved in a church, I believe God desires that of us. It's also great to be active in sharing your faith and serving the least of these. It's great to read your Bible and pray every day. I had a friend tell me last week in a moment of honesty and vulnerability that core of your relationship with Christ *isn't* your relationship with Christ. Huh? No,the core of your relationship with Christ is Christ himself. It's not about all of these things that are good and righteous and essential in our Christian walk. It's about God. It's about the sacrifice He's made for us and fact that I am alive today because of His incredible grace. Even when this friend told me this last week it didn't really click.

But today, it's like a flood of revelation washed over me. It wasn't when I was sitting in church. It wasn't when I was reading the Word. It wasn't even when I was praying. Of course, God has taught me countless and incredible life changing things in those moments, but this one was different. It was when I was sitting in my psychology class. We were watching a documentary on the functions of the brain, essentially. An experiment was done with premature babies who had to stay in incubaters for a period of time, and what the effect of physical touch was on them. So they took half of the babies in the NICU and for the duration of the time they were there, massaged them for 45 minutes every day. The other half received all of the same treatment and care except they did not receive that physical touch each day. By the time they were released, the ones in the first group had grown and improved in their condition I think 47% more than the others. And even months later they showed better ability to walk and talk. So as I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, what the heck. This is me. It's not that I'm in my beginning, or baby stages in my relationship with Christ, but for the last few months I've been, well, I guess premature. Lacking nutrients. Lacking the essentials. I wasn't receiving my touch from God. I know that sounds weird, so let me try to explain it. Of course, it's not God's fault that I haven't been receiving a "massage" or whatever metaphor you want to use from Him. It was mine. If I had been allowing myself to receive God's mighty touch in my life and just soaking in His presence, I would be in a much better place, right? But I haven't been, so I haven't been growing as much as I should or could have been. And in that moment, I realized "what the heck. I've been focusing on all the wrong things. I've been focusing on find a church, finding a place to serve, beating myself up for not reading as much scripture or praying as often as I should, when I really need to focus on MY LORD AND SAVIOUR. And right there, in the middle of my psych class, I got really excited to be in relationship with my Father again. I know that if I can just allow God to work on my heart and break down all of these barriers I've built since I've been home, everything is going to fall into place. What an exciting thing!

A friend also challenged me to think about missions and what it actually means. Shoot, I should know what missions is, right? I went on a 6 month missions trip, I should be a pro, right? HA! Wrong. I'm not. At all. When I was asked that question, I was actually totally at a loss. I had no idea. So I gave the cliche answer of course. Then I continued to think about it all day. I believe God has something for me in Germany in regards to ministry and service. I don't know yet when that will be or for  how long, but I know that it is in my future. That whole idea of wanting to go there is being shaped by God, what HE wants me to do there, not what I want to do there, even if my motives are pure or whatever. I listened to a sermon when I got home today from a pastor from South Africa, and he preached about world missions, from Psalm 96. What? He didn't use Matthew 28? The Great Commission? But, that's what all sermons on missions are about, right? Ha. Wrong again. This was brilliant. As I sit there on my bed with my Bible open and my iPod playing, I was intrigued. It's like I believed missions was about the people. Of course, it is, in sense. I mean, God calls us to make disciples of all nations, right? Well, that involves people: talking to people, serving people, loving people, helping people, encouraging people, teaching people, etc.  But what I just realized I think for the first time tonight (what, even after going on a missions trip!?) was that missions is about GOD. Missions is about declaring his name. Psalm 96:3 says "Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among the peoples". It also says "For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all of the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary" (96:4-6). Ok, seriously though, everyone go read that whole chapter because I can't do it justice. But, I think what I realized is that the purpose of missions is to spread the name of Jesus, right? It's to tell people about God's grace. Why? Well, I believe there are two main reasons. One that I think most people, including myself, think about first, is so that people won't suffer hell, an eternal separation from God. And yes, that is a HUGE part of it. God doesn't want or desire anyone to perish, 2 Peter 3:9 says that. But I think a part of it that we are all missing is that God deserves for the world to worship Him. God desires people to praise His name. Psalm 96 uses different forms of the word "worship" over 10 times. God wants us to be in awe of Him. That's the piece I've been missing lately.

I don't claim to have this all figured out, because really, this is all new and fresh to me. But I am so excited and thankful that God is patient with me and rejoices with me when I finally figure out what He's been trying to tell me all along.

I hope that this made you think, because it's made me think a lot. Above all, I hope that this points you back to the Father and the divine sacrifice He made for us.

xoxo,
Laura.