Moldova Part 2: Realizations & Revelations

So these things that are written below were written over the course of my time in Moldova. God was moving so much in my heart in that time and I want you guys to get a glimpse into my thoughts and heart! A lot of these are scattered, mind you, so bear with me :)

Here we go...

I feel for the first time that God is changing me from the inside out. While on my lecture phase I felt like sure, God was changing bits and pieces of me, like finding my identity in Christ and not in people, and breaking down barriers of pride and such, but nothing HUGE for me personally. But since being on outreach, and actually just in Moldova, I feel like God is changing my whole entire perspective on the world. Bah, I don't know how to describe it! I feel like being in the same house for my whole life and not really experiencing much outside of Wichita, I was never able to see how other people lived in the world. Sure, I went to a few different parts of the world before I came to do my DTS, but they were all Western countries, so everyone was pretty much well off and fine. But here it's different. People don't have it good here. In America, we have it GOOD. Even people who are considered poor, are still more wealthy than most of the rest of the poverty stricken countries. It's crazy. Conditions here aren't like what we have back in the States. I really believe (now that I'VE experienced it) everyone needs to go to a third world country sometime to experience what millions of other people live like. Then it will provoke you to do something about it. These people need Jesus. They need the power of the Gospel to infiltrate their cities, their homes, their families, their streets, their HEARTS. I mean, I knew that there were places out there that were poor, but I just thought of them as so distant and just a dot on the map that I could never really impact. But that's not true. That dot on the map is full of millions of people who need Christ. I am still processing what that means for me and how I can help and be used by God in that area after I leave here and come back to the States. It's more than just tossing money at something. And it's also more than bringing salvation to people--it's discipling. Teaching them how to read the Bible, how to pray, how to live in relationship with God and with others. That's what will change a people group. I don't have answers for all the things that I just wrote there, but I'm still searching for them.

On another note, another thing that's been--for lack of a better phrase-- rocking my world is this: for the first time ever, I experienced something I never had before. This burning desire and need to spend time with God before I started my day, because I knew that if I didn't, my mind and heart would be a mess. I've never felt such an urge to spend time with God. It's incredible. That's another feeling that I don't know how else better to explain it. But I tried by best. I had a friend once tell me after being out of the country for almost 2 years doing just incredible things in different places, that once she came back to the States, she was afraid of being stagnant. That she wouldn't learn anymore, or wouldn't grow anymore. Like she wouldn't be challenged in everyday life like before. And when she told me that, I honestly didn't understand that feeling. But now I do. I am scared that when I come back, I won't have this desire for utter dependency on God like I do here because I will be comfortable. That's more scary for me than being here. Bah, just something else I'm processing.

I had an amazing time in the Word today. God keeps developing my love for scripture and for theology. I LOVE it. I never knew I was so interested in it until about a year ago. I can't wait to continue getting into it and growing more and more. I spent about 2 hours today just reading scripture and commentaries and trying to figure out challenging things in the Bible. I read the Lord's prayer today and had my eyes completely opened in a whole new way. It was awesome! It's like, I've read passages like these--like the Lord's Prayer, and the Beatitudes, and different parables in the new testament, but I just assume I know everything about them and only look at them from one angle because I've read them so many times and since I was a child too. So it's really amazing to be able to re read them now and look at them from a whole new perspective and let God show me new things through them. Somehow I feel like I need to know everything about God, and have the answer to all of these deep theological questions that are running around in my brain. And to some extent, I think it's really good for me to be researching and diving deep and trying to get to know God at a deeper level, but I also know that God can't be figured out completely. If that wasn't the case, then He wouldn't really be God. I think sometimes (or maybe just me) we forget that God is an incredibly mysterious being. I love that about Him but at the same time it frustrates the heck out of me!

To continue on in my list of things rolling around in my mind, I want to say that I'm learning not to count on one idea or plan I have for myself or my future, even if it is something I feel God has placed on my heart. I say this because I know my heart is easily swayed and I know better now how my character is and how I think and react to things. Instead, I'm learning more and more to let God lead my future completely.

I've also noticed lately that I've been limiting God. I've been limiting Him on how He can speak to me. Sometimes I'll pray that He'll speak to me in scripture, and if I don't get an answer I was searching for in scripture, then I assume God is remaining silent. Or sometimes I'll ask Him to speak to me in a dream about a specific thing, and if I wake up the next morning and can't remember the dream or it wasn't about what I prayed for, then I think, "well, God isn't speaking to me about this then". Or maybe when I ask Him to confirm something in the physical realm, and it doesn't happen, I get frustrated. But then I realized, how could I be so ignorant?! Of course God can speak in those ways, but our God is a limitless God. He can speak in any way He wants, and I shouldn't be treating Him like a transaction machine--only expecting to get EXACTLY what I asked for. I love God goes outside of our realm of understanding to speak to us in mindblowing ways. I just need to be patient and expect the unexpected from God I think.

I was reading through scripture today and just thinking about all of my amazing friends and family and comforts I have at home. And this question came to mind after thinking a lot about that and what it's like here: If everything in this world that I love was taken away from me, would God still be enough? I would like to say my answer is yes at the moment, but I'd be lying to myself and to God if I did. I long to be at the point in my life where I can say with absolute assurance, YES! I'm still processing whether that is possible for me to do in my lifetime, or humanity in general.

I was thinking a lot today about time and how weird of a concept it is to me here. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I just know it's unlike anything I've felt before. It's like time goes slow and fast at the same time, and it's almost like home pauses all the while we are learning and growing and doing so much on the other half of the world. People told me that this time was going to by quickly, and now that I've experienced it, I can say I agree. It's almost like I'm living in a different reality or something, like my life at home seems like a dream, sort of like an alternate universe. It's such a strange feeling for me. I often look back at pictures of the very beginning of this journey, before I got on my plane to go to Australia and wonder, "how did I even get here?" It's like I'm surprised at myself that I've made it this far.

I've decided that never again will I take this things for granted: a washing and drying machine, a garbage disposal, a dishwasher, showering without shower shoes, showering with hot water, having paved roads, having conversations with people in English, and lots more. I'm experiencing so many new things in these countries and I think it will be actually harder to adjust to life back home than how I adjusted here. These are just physical things, but it's seriously become so much of my life here now that I imagine it will be somewhat of a culture shock coming back home.

I was asking God today what He specifically wanted for me on this outreach, because somehow I felt like it was sort of purposeless for me. Of course, in my head, I know that I'm here on outreach to bring the gospel, but I somehow felt like I had to be preaching to the masses and seeing tons of salvations and healings and miracles, spending tons of times in orphanges, handing out food to the homeless people, etc. to be considered a "missionary" or that I'd be somehow fulfilling my expectations I had set on myself for what outreach would be like. But recently, God has been showing me that being a missionary is more than that. A lot of what we've been doing on this outreach is prayer and being support for the long term missionaries in the countries we're at. I struggled with that for a while because I thought that since people were financially supporting me with this trip, I couldn't come back with stories of how I just prayed for people on outreach but didn't necessarily see any fruits of that. Then it hit me. Well, a few things hit me. One, I was focusing too too much on what other people would think about the outcomes of my trip here, when really I need to focus on what God thinks about the outcome and what I've learned along the way. This is my first missions trip--of course it's not going to be perfect and I'm not surprised that I haven't see hundreds of salvations just yet. And another thing that hit me is that prayer is just as important in missions work as visiting orphanages and feeding the homeless and rescuing girls from sex trafficking. We've been doing heaps of prayer on this outreach and also have stood along side of the staff in Riga and Cahul and helped them in furthering their ministry to share the gospel. And the plus side is, along the way, we truly have had the opportunity to share the gospel with people even if they can't completely understand because of the language barrier. I believe that our job is to be obedient and God will take care of the rest. Salvation doesn't lie in our hands, but sharing does. So in the midst of realizing of all of these things, I asked God to just confirm for me that what I did on this outreach was really what He wanted--that I didn't fail Him in some way. And this morning, as we were leading intercession for the base, we had the opportunity to hear an amazing testimony from a man who has literally given everything for Christ. He's just recently adopted 3 orphan kids that were neglected by their alcoholic parents and left on the streets for 3 years. The kids have recently been in the hospital because of pretty bad health problems as well. And, this man already has 3 biological kids and he said that he was also sick with pretty bad back pain. While he was saying all of this, he kept slipping in how much he was greatful for God's provision and he also told us that he was greatful for the ministry we were doing here and he was sure that God had called us here. After that, we prayed for him, and I felt God confirm to me that He had me here for a reason and this outreach our team has sewn so many seeds that many people later on down the road will reap. We were laying the foundations for more ministry and furthering of the gospel in the future! I felt joy after that meeting. We also had goodbye dinner with the staff here (Lilia, Virginia, and the family of 4) and they blessed us with homemade cooking and great dessert! But more than that, they shared how much of a blessing we had been to their base and Virginia told us that when she heard an all girl team was coming, she thought, "oh, this is going to be very interesting". But once she saw a picture of us, she said she could see the greatness in our eyes and that we had proven that right--that we are a powerful team. And that also was a confirmation to me that God really was proud of our team even though I felt like we didn't do as much as I expected to do.

I was feeling really conflicted and confused about debrief and just outreach in general, like that I had to be completely selfless all the time, almost to the point where I was prideful. And also feeling like this outreach in Moldova was purposeless and we weren't really running towards any goal. So one of my teammates, Josie, came in after talking with our school leader, Dukes, on skype and just encouraged us with saying that we should ask God the big questions, like what specifically does God have for me on outreach in Moldova? What is my role in this team and in serving the people here? Also she told us that Dukes was telling her about baptisms the Thailand team got to do in a prison, and how they shared the gospel message and saw over 100 salvations. And she was saying that they were able to reap the fruit that had been sown. It helped put things into perspective how we haven't been seeing much fruit yet here on outreach. It's because YWAM just started recently here in Moldova and not a ton of mission work has been done here compared to Thailand, so we are actually the ones sewing the harvest--it's just a very different outreach team we have. So after hearing this, we decided to keep on worshipping and praying and asking God what He had for us. Jessica read the passage from 1 Peter 4:7-11 that talks about love covering a multitude of sins and that each one should use their own gift they have received to serve others, so that in all things all praise will be brought to God through Jesus. That started me thinking a lot about how I need to really pray and ask God how I can really be serving here, and it took pressure off of me to have to do everything right and like carry the team somehow and make sure I'm being completely selfless and stuff. Then she read out of this devotional book called Jesus Calling by Sara Young and it said, "I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold my hand in trusting dependence, letting me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy--even precarious. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping a things that are mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting my promises to care for you. Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in my presence, trusting me to open up the way before you as you go. (Deut 29:29; Psalm 32:8)". This really spoke to all of us because we were also all worried about what we were doing when we went home and even just the next few weeks of this trip. After that, Emma walked in and told us how her conversation with Dukes went and she said that they talked about the future and how Emma really wasn't thinking about the future at all and just focusing on the here and now. Then we read out to her the passage that Jess read. We talked a lot about purpose here in Moldova as well. Then we shared with her what we read in 1 Peter and she told us she was praying the exact thing over our team on the way back from talking with Dukes! So after that, me and Jess were saying how we really felt like God was piecing together all of the things in our hearts and minds that we had been struggling with. I physically felt that I could breathe better after that. Then we also realized a bit later that Emma had shared earlier the day before about having a firm foundation (the wise and foolish builders passage in the gospels) and how she was praying into that, and we realized that all of this stuff we were focusing on really need to have a firm foundation in Christ.

Also I'm learning that everything that I have been learning IS a learning process. I know, it doesn't seem to make sense. But let me try to describe it. I sometimes get frustrated with myself that these revelations or realizations haven't sunk in completely and I haven't been perfect in applying them to my life and all that. Then I realized, woah, all of these things that I'm processing are huge things, and it WILL take me a while to really wrap my head around them and grow in them.

Ok, that's about it for now. Sorry for the abrupt ending, but that's just a fraction of what God has been growing me in recently!

Can't wait to see you all.

xoxo,
Laura