I've been tired lately. Exhausted, really. To be honest, for the last year I haven't really felt like myself. Seems like there has just been one struggle after another. Some because of choices I have made, but some because life just happens. So I guess I can say, life has got me down.
Sometimes I wonder, does God get tired of me? Does God get tired of me making stupid decisions? Does God get tired of me complaining about my struggles? Does God get tired of seeing me bawl my eyes out on the bathroom floor? Does God get tired of me ignoring Him and choosing to be in control of my life?
I know that in my head, the answer is no. God doesn't. God loves unconditionally, as the Bible says, which means that God could never get tired of my failures, my decisions, and my struggles. But it's hard to believe when I'm tired of myself.
Lately I've been hurt and disappointed by several people in my life, and it's really affected me. Letting go of things has never been an easy thing for me to do. But it's the season of life that I am currently in. Letting go of my past decisions and mistakes, letting go of friendships/relationships that aren't healthy for me--this has been difficult. And I feel like it's literally sucking the life out of me. It seems impossible to get back to a healthy spot.
I wonder how do I do that? How do I get to a healthy spot? I don't remember the last time I felt consistently happy and whole for a long period of time. I know that the only way to get there is to let God fix me, but I think I'm scared of that. I think that I'm scared of allowing God to work on my heart because then I know He's going to reveal things that I don't want to have to deal with. He's gonna show me my sin that I haven't dealt with, the underlying causes of why I do things the way I do, and sometimes I don't want to have to deal with it. But I know I have to. Otherwise another year will go by and I'll still be in the same place.
I guess what I want to say is, sometimes there are seasons in your life that are longer and harder and more painful than the others, but I truly believe lessons are to be learned in each of those times. I know that everything I've experienced and mistakes I've made have all been for a reason. I know that God is teaching me things even if I don't know what they are quite yet. I'm thankful for the blessings God chooses to give me even when I don't deserve it. I'm glad for genuine friendships with people who will love me unconditionally. I am thankful for times of laughter with friends. I am thankful for the family that loves and supports me.
I choose to believe God still loves me and still wants what is best for me even when I know I don't deserve it. I am forgiven and made clean. Thank you, Jesus.
Yep! We all go through seasons. One of the oldest and godliest women I know in my church once told me that even she didn't feel like reading the bible or praying sometimes, (which boggled me, because I thought by the time you were 80, you had your life figured out ;) ) but she knew in those moments, thats when she had to force her flesh to do so....
ReplyDeleteThrough reading and prayer, God may reveal some sins in our life, but it is only because He loves us...I always love to read that verse in Hebrews that talks about how He disciplines us as a father disciplines His son, but it is for a short period of time, and it is so that we will be restored, and once again have full and true joy in our walk with Him! Praying you can find that joy again, and that once you come out of this deep valley you'll be able to look back and say "God was definitely working on, and sanctifying me even more, so that I can be like Him!"
I've often felt those feelings and I know how it feels in the midst of them, so I hope you'll soon find your joy. Just keep your mind on what is good and true (phil 4).
Love ya sweet lady :)