Well, this year has been a total whirlwind, to say the least. I think this year has brought the most changes, challenges, heartache, and growth than any year so far. And I have a feeling that this coming year might exceed the previous year in those.
One thing I've learned this year is that the older you get, the harder life is. It brings to life different fears that you never knew existed before. Life brings challenges that you never knew you could overcome. It laughs in your face as it waits in expectation to for you to fall on your butt and never get back up. But through it all, your soul becomes better. Your personhood is changed and molded, in both good and bad ways. You learn how to adapt to change, to heartache, to disappointment. And the harder life gets, the stronger (or weaker) you become. Life kind of has the ability to do that: change a person. You either learn how to adjust to its challenges or you shrivel up into a ball and are defeated.
Another thing I've learned is that you can't help everyone. Sometimes you can't even help one person. You see, in order to help someone, they have to be open to it. There are some people in this world who simply do not know how to accept love from people. Whether it is because of past heartache, lack of emotional connection to people, or some other external force, they just can't. And that sucks when it is someone you love with all of your heart. And then there are some times when a person walks into your life just for a moment, and you think it will last forever. But life is made of seasons. Not everyone sticks around for the winters, you know?
You know how incredibly patient God is? Even when you doubt Him or reject Him or decide that He's not worth your time, He's still there. I know that because that's been me the last year. I've never been dishonest with anyone about where I've been with God, but I've not been very vocal about either, because who wants to hear from a girl who was raised in a Christian home and going to church 2-3 times a week, and then dedicated 6 months of her life to overseas missions, that her relationship with God was basically nonexistent? A friend told me the other week that she had a similar experience as me, and that she had to tell someone in her life that she needed Jesus to be spoonfed to her, and she didn't even know if she wanted to swallow. That metaphor was the perfect way for me to describe where I was in my relationship with God. It wasn't like something catastrophic and traumatizing happened in my life that caused me to hate or doubt God or anything like that. It was more like little disappointments and hurts added up and all the sudden I realized I had become calloused to God's love. I didn't want to hear people talk about Him--heck, I didn't even want to talk to Him--I didn't want to feel anything. I was bitter and numb and angry. And I still am in some ways. But now I know it. Now I am trying to make steps in becoming the person I was before--which is not entirely possible, I know. I'm simply trying to be honest with God. Sometimes I tell him, "Hey God, I don't want to talk to your right now, but I know I should, and plus you know everything in my heart already, so I might as well tell you." I'm pretty blatant with Him lately. And that's ok, God can handle it. He can handle my anger, my sin, my disgust, my bitterness, my apathy. So, now I'm grateful for a God that doesn't give up on His children.
I know that this year will bring new challenges and heartache, but I'm confident that I will grow as a person and learn new truths about God and about people. Guys, it's ok to be broken. It's the best place to be, I think. No one is perfect, and we all have struggles. Being real with God and with people is the best thing you can do for yourself, in any situation you're put in.
Thanks for listening. Be blessed.
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