Why September 25 is a significant day.

Two years ago.

Two years ago today I left the country for half a year to pursue an adventure in missions. Two years ago today I left my family and friends for six months. Two years ago today I did something that I had planned on doing for over a year. Two years ago today I left for Newcastle today to complete a discipleship training school with YWAM.

I can't even believe it's been that long. Two years does not seem like it's gone by. I'm a completely different person today than I was two years ago. I mean, I'm a completely different person than I was six months ago too.

For this blog post, I want to post a few pictures from my trip that marked a significant changing point in my life.

This picture is from a day center in Riga, Latvia. This day was significant for me because it reminded me of times I felt like these kids--lonely, hopeless, sad. And it also reminded me that although things might seem dark, there is hope in the Lord.

This was one of the days that we were trying to raise the rest of the funds for our outreach. We were spending the day in worship and prayer. It was around this time that I received word that someone had anonymously donated $1200 (exactly the amount I needed for outreach) to me. This was the day that I really saw God's provision right at work!

This girl. This girl represents God's ability to change hearts. This night was the night that I saw that at work. That's all I will say :)

This was the day that I spent homeless. I slept on a train with newspaper to keep me warm. I ate crackers and expired chips for dinner. I walked around the beach and prayed for people. This day changed my life and my perspective.

This was the first day I got to explore a bit of Australia. My beautiful friend Emma let us stay with her for a few days before DTS started. We went to this zoo and got to feed kangaroos. I was in bliss. This was the beginning of my dreams coming true!

This might have been one of the most significant days of my life. My friend Manu and I got to talk with a cross-dresser we met in the red light district of Sydney. This was also the day (I think) that I gave my purity ring away to a homeless, heroine-addicted woman. It was beautiful. If you want to read more about this day, go to 

http://gloriouslyforgiven.blogspot.com/2013/01/living-like-jesus-loving-prostitutes.html 

This was the day after we arrived in Moldova. I was in culture shock for a few days. But God showed me that His light was bright enough to shine in the darkest of places.

This was the day I decided to go to Latvia/Moldova on outreach. This was a hard decision for me because I couldn't decide between there or Thailand. This was the time that God showed me that He doesn't necessarily show me directly what He wants me to do, but He allows me to make my own decisions all the while trusting in Him.

This day Katie, Jess, and I were able to teach kids English in a village in Moldova. Little did I know that this day would play a significant role in a decision in my life two years later.

Australia, I miss you. Latvia, I miss you. Moldova, I miss you.

Real Talk.

Why don't Christians talk about stuff like anger and bitterness and unforgiveness? Perhaps in some circles we do, but most of the time that I talk to other Christians about these things, it's always "don't be angry! Keep bitterness away! Talk to God and He will help you forgive!" Sure, those things are true, but good grief, it's not practical. I think sometimes we just breeze over these topics because they're unpleasant or hard to talk about. Maybe it's because it's just easier to say "don't feel those things because they're wrong" and then talk about things we should be doing, like reading our Bibles and praying, and giving to the poor. But recently I've been in this phase of life where I've been feeling a lot of anger and bitterness because of some unfortunate situations I've experienced this summer. So of course, I've been faced with the decision of "do I let my anger turn into bitterness" or "do I forgive myself and this person and live my life in peace and joy?" Well, honestly I've been choosing the former. I've never been that person. I've never been an angry person. I've never been a person who wants revenge. I've never been a person to hold on to things. I've never been the kind of person who would rather spend time alone than out with people. But hey, apparently that's what bitterness does to you. People often say "your problem isn't the problem; it's the attitude about the problem that's the problem." Yeah, I agree with that. But I don't know, I think people often just use that as an excuse to not deal with or process whatever problem it is they're facing. Like, hey, I know that I shouldn't be angry and I should just forgive and have a good attitude, so I'm gonna smile and pretend like everything is ok just so people don't ask me incessant questions and try to lecture me about my attitude." But gosh, then people don't ever learn how to healthily manage their problems or recover from a painful situation. I think it's okay to be angry. I don't think it's okay to be angry forever. But we're human, God has given us these emotions for a reason. When we're feeling sad, upset, hurt, angry, bitter, that's God trying to tell us to come to Him. And either we listen and run like heck back into His arms, or we ignore Him and try to do things our way. Guess what I've been doing lately? I'm in this spot where I'm trying to process things and trying to be okay with things, and trying to have a good attitude, but all of this anger and bitterness just sorta creeps into everything I do. I'm not saying that it's acceptable to be bitter and withhold forgiveness, but I think that generally, unless you're a superhuman who forgives (and I mean REALLY forgives) the second someone wrongs you, there's going to be this time period where you are angry. You're so angry that you scream in your car because that's the only place no one can hear you. There's gonna be times when you're sad. So sad that you cry in the shower because that's the only place where people won't see. There's gonna be times where you're so upset that when your new blender doesn't work, you collapse on the kitchen floor in a pool of tears until you realize you didn't assemble it properly. And that's okay. As long as you don't stay there.

I'm not an expert at this forgiveness thing, because honestly, in my life, I have been blessed in the fact that I have not been seriously, emotionally hurt by a lot of people. So forgiveness has just come easily to me. But once you hit adulthood, friendships and relationships with people suddenly become more complicated. And people do stupid things that hurt other people. So, then you're faced with this new challenge: forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself, forgiveness of other people. How do you even do that?! I'm still figuring it out. I think it's also a time thing. A friend told me today that time is the answer for everything. Time requires patience, you know. I can be patient in waiting for cookies to bake, or patient in waiting for Christmas to come. But I'm not very patient when it comes to things in myself or other people that I want fixed. So, here I am, bitter, angry, inpatient, broken, and trying to let God put all the pieces back together.

This probably seems like one of the more depressing posts that I've written, and maybe not filled with so many encouraging, uplifting, spiritual topics, but hey, the last thing I want to be is a hypocrite. A reason I blog is to encourage other people with my story. And maybe there are some people out there who are struggling with a similar thing I am, and will get hope from this. Hope because you're not the only one out there struggling to live a perfect, Christian life. Hope because if God hasn't given up on me, He sure hasn't given up on you. So, I'm wanting to be real with all these people who read my blog, and I hope that somehow you can take something away from this post. And hey, comments are always welcome if you ever have any advice for me. :)

For now, I'm in this healing process, and yeah, sometimes it sucks, but I know I will come out on the other side stronger. And hey people, let's not forget to talk about these hard topics in church, in smallgroups, in our mentorship relationships. Because it's a real thing that people struggle with, and I think Christians are pretty good at hiding how they really feel because they feel shameful that they feel this way. But talking things out and working through things is the only way that people will start to return back to their normal, happy, whole, forgiving selves that once again feel like they have a purpose and that God is by their side.

Cheers!

The Purge

I've been wanting to blog for a few weeks now. But every time I want to, it seems like something else significant in life pops up that I wait to learn a life lesson from so I can blog about it.

Wowza, this summer has been a whirlwind! Truly it has. Really, this year has been. I think I mentioned this in the last post, but my life the past year has been the most difficult and most challenging thus far. And I'm sure it's not getting easier. But, hey, once your an adult, life is way harder, right? I've experienced some hard things this summer and I'm just now trying to piece together all of the things that God has been trying to teach me. It's a bit of a challenge, to say the least.

I've been really frustrated with myself this summer. Frustrated with my growth as a person, as a believer, as a friend, and as a woman. There are things that I've done and that other individuals in my life has done that has stunted my growth, and while I'm not thrilled about that, I know God has me in this specific place for a reason. There's been this sort of continual "purging" of things in my life this summer. Purging of mistakes I've been holding onto, purging of sins that I can't let go of, purging of the pain that I'm grasping onto so tightly. And it sucks, actually. But it's really good also.

Sometimes, God surprises me. In a lot of ways, but lately He's surprised me by how different my pain threshold for things have been. For instance, something that I didn't think would affect me a ton has given me an incredible amount of pain. But then there's this other thing that I thought would break my heart but I'm feeling really good and at peace about it. I'm learning how to sort through my emotions and learn what things are important to be upset about and what things I just need to let go of.

This phase of my life has been an interesting one to say the least. This past year, I've learned so many life lessons, made so many stupid mistakes, grown as a person and in my faith, and experienced a lot of pain and also a lot of joy. Most of the struggles I've had revolve around relationships. As a single lady, like many others, think about marriage and what I'm missing out on and wishing I was in a relationship, and all of that. But lately I've been really appreciating my singlehood.

I haven't always appreciated that. It goes back and forth, sort of in waves. I've finally cleared the air with a few people and now I feel free to move on and just really enjoy single life without the longing for a particular person or for my singleness to end. After a really hard conversation with someone, something I thought would be agonizingly painful, I felt really free and happy after talking through some things and what not. And now I'm actually really excited about being single. This is such a cliche thing to say, but I think singleness really is a gift. For a period of time, at least. For me, I feel like there is so much I want to experience still before I am in a committed relationship. My first love is traveling. So, I want to be able to experience that without anyone holding me back. Which means, singleness might be my best friend for a while yet. I want to learn how to be content with doing things on my own. I've always been an extrovert and a really outgoing person, and have hated when I'm alone for longer than an hour. But recently I've been thoroughly enjoying my alone time and wishing I had more of it.

I'm excited to see where God takes me next in this phase of life. Like I've said in previous posts, this last year has been the hardest year of my life. Maybe next year I will say the same thing about this year. But I do know that through every trial and tribulation, God strengthens us to be more like Him and more capable of enduring hardships. So, with that said, I feel ready to tackle anything the world decides to throw at me!