So, here's the thing. My brain is freaking out a bit. I've been home from my trip for SIX MONTHS now. Excuse me, what?!
That's insane. Maybe it's just me, but I have a hunch all my fellow DTSers are feeling the same way if they've realized as well how long it's been.
Ok, but do you know what is even crazier? It's been ONE YEAR since I left for Australia. That makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. It seriously doesn't seem like it's been that long. I can't believe it honestly. It's like, my brain is telling me, yeah, that's normal, it's been a year, seems possible, right? And then my soul is like wrestling around in my body all confused and sad and happy and excited because I miss Australia and my experience and my family so much, I'm happy I was able to experience it, and excited for what's next to come! Whenever I drive by the airport, I get this ping of sadness in my chest. Like I physically feel it. Just remembering what it felt like to leave my family for half of a year and go do this thing I had been wanting to do for such a long time is an incredibly powerful feeling that I really can't explain. I'm sure a lot of you reading this have experienced this in some form, so maybe you can try to make sense of these jumble of words.
I feel like maybe I'm a bit stuck at this point, like I don't know what to do with my life even though I am doing something with my life. Does that make sense? I mean, I am going to school and working but I know that that won't be my life for much longer I don't think. I know there are new things for me to experience and grow in and I'm excited for that and like I said in my last entry, I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in this world and trying to be content in this phase of life here in Wichita. I think I have reluctantly been letting God work on my heart and He's still there knocking and pounding and ringing the doorbell of my heart asking that I would let Him in even further. Gosh, that's hard, hey? I'm a work in progress, what can I say?
I've been thinking a lot about life and singleness and what that looks like and means for me at this point. Yeah, I know I'm 19 years old and I have a long time to wait and blah blah blah, but hey, people think about these things at even younger ages, right? Here's the thing. I go back and forth a lot actually of being content with being single and happy I get to enjoy my "freedom" or whatever, and sometimes I wish I was in a committed long-term relationship (even though that's the scariest thought I could think of right now). I think that singleness is a gift, even though sometimes it's painful and what not. I think God can do a lot in a single person's life because they don't have another "distraction" or whatever you want to call it. Recently I was talking to a friend about this subject, and she jokingly said, "I don't mind being single, I just want all my other friends to be single too!" Ha, it's funny, I thought, but it's true. I mean, typical human nature wants to go along with the crowd, right? So, if all of your friends are in relationships and getting married and starting families, you naturally desire that. Or most people do, I should say. So, it's hard to be single as it is, but then when your friends are getting in relationships, it's even harder. I had another friend recently write a blog about marriage and how young women and men dream about their wedding day and what it will be like, and they plan for the reception and the dress and the bouquets and the bridal party, but do they plan for the marriage? Hey, 50% of all marriages end in divorce or something crazy like that, right? I think that if people stopped focusing on the wedding (which is really only one day of your whole entire life) and planned for their marriage, maybe that statistic wouldn't be so catastrophic. I'm not saying I know anything about being in a relationship, because I don't, but I am learning that God has to do a lot in me and my future spouse before a relationship can happen. Also, I think it's really important to not sacrifice a "calling" or "life plan" or whatever you want to call it for a relationship. I mean, let's say, you want to , and you believe firmly that God is leading you into a life of missions, and you meet a guy who wants to be a real estate agent in America the rest of his life, is it worth it? Are you willing to sacrifice your passions for his for the rest of your life? And you can reverse the roles too. That's something I've been thinking a lot about too. And the thing is, I know that missions is going to be a huge part of my life in some form or the other so for me right now it's not a good idea to be in a relationship because I know that God is preparing my heart and my mind for the mission field he wants me in! I don't know, just a few thoughts about singleness.
Gosh, our God is a great God, is He not? Continually thanking Him for the crazy life He has me living right now.
Be blessed and serve well, my friends!
xoxo,
Laura.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
Happenings as of late
Hello all, sorry I have been so terrible at keeping you updated since I've been back from my trip.
As you may have noticed, I changed around my blog a bit. I am no longer "aussie bound" so I decided to make it more current :)
I have been home for almost 6 months now, which freaks me out a lot. I don't quite know how to start sharing about what my life has been like because it's been a bit of everything, really. Because it would take heaps of time to summarize the last 6 months, I'll just tell you about my last few weeks, hey!
Gosh, since I've been back, my life hasn't really made much sense. To be honest, I've been pretty unhappy back in Wichita. It's like, well, I travelled the world, essentially, for 6 months, and now I am back in Kansas going to community college and working a--what most people would call--boring desk job. I've never considered myself a pessimist, in fact, most people would probably see an optimist in me just because I am so smiley and outgoing and all of that surface stuff. But really, I typically tend to see the worse in things. In people, in situations, in life. That's just a part of me, I guess. What is my purpose in life here? is the question I ask myself almost every day, or at least I did. Recently I've just been existing; I haven't even been trying to challenge myself with the Lord's calling for my life in the moment. Of course I know I should be content here because this is where God has placed me for the moment. I know that I should be actively involved in a church and in serving others. I know I should be reading my Bible every day and spending time with Christ in prayer. I know I shouldn't be wasting my days by sleeping or watching movies. I know I should be actively seeking out relationships in hope to share the joy of Christ that I have been privileged to receive. Ha! I *know* all of these things, but have I been doing them?
The simple answer is no. The simple answer is I am a sinner.
I've sort of been in this "slump" lately. It's like somehow I've been treading in this gigantic sea and have been barely keeping my head above water the whole time, in hopes that someone or something will come along and toss me a life saver. It's like I've been waiting for someone to tell me, "Hey Laura, get your life together! Quit being lazy and go do something! Quit dwelling on the past but instead live in the place God has you now!" or " Come on, Laura, you've been searching for a new church for almost 6 months now. Just pick one already!" or "Geez Laura, I know you really want to go to Germany to do missions, but why can't you do missions here?" Or maybe I'm waiting for someone to hand me the secret to contentment here. I'm waiting for all of these things to happen, and it's like finally now I have realized that the gigantic sea I was struggling to keep my head above, was really just the shallow end of a swimming pool. All I needed to do was plant my feet on Solid Ground and just do it.
I think I've been searching for all the wrong "right" things. Let me explain. So, it's great to be involved in a church, I believe God desires that of us. It's also great to be active in sharing your faith and serving the least of these. It's great to read your Bible and pray every day. I had a friend tell me last week in a moment of honesty and vulnerability that core of your relationship with Christ *isn't* your relationship with Christ. Huh? No,the core of your relationship with Christ is Christ himself. It's not about all of these things that are good and righteous and essential in our Christian walk. It's about God. It's about the sacrifice He's made for us and fact that I am alive today because of His incredible grace. Even when this friend told me this last week it didn't really click.
But today, it's like a flood of revelation washed over me. It wasn't when I was sitting in church. It wasn't when I was reading the Word. It wasn't even when I was praying. Of course, God has taught me countless and incredible life changing things in those moments, but this one was different. It was when I was sitting in my psychology class. We were watching a documentary on the functions of the brain, essentially. An experiment was done with premature babies who had to stay in incubaters for a period of time, and what the effect of physical touch was on them. So they took half of the babies in the NICU and for the duration of the time they were there, massaged them for 45 minutes every day. The other half received all of the same treatment and care except they did not receive that physical touch each day. By the time they were released, the ones in the first group had grown and improved in their condition I think 47% more than the others. And even months later they showed better ability to walk and talk. So as I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, what the heck. This is me. It's not that I'm in my beginning, or baby stages in my relationship with Christ, but for the last few months I've been, well, I guess premature. Lacking nutrients. Lacking the essentials. I wasn't receiving my touch from God. I know that sounds weird, so let me try to explain it. Of course, it's not God's fault that I haven't been receiving a "massage" or whatever metaphor you want to use from Him. It was mine. If I had been allowing myself to receive God's mighty touch in my life and just soaking in His presence, I would be in a much better place, right? But I haven't been, so I haven't been growing as much as I should or could have been. And in that moment, I realized "what the heck. I've been focusing on all the wrong things. I've been focusing on find a church, finding a place to serve, beating myself up for not reading as much scripture or praying as often as I should, when I really need to focus on MY LORD AND SAVIOUR. And right there, in the middle of my psych class, I got really excited to be in relationship with my Father again. I know that if I can just allow God to work on my heart and break down all of these barriers I've built since I've been home, everything is going to fall into place. What an exciting thing!
A friend also challenged me to think about missions and what it actually means. Shoot, I should know what missions is, right? I went on a 6 month missions trip, I should be a pro, right? HA! Wrong. I'm not. At all. When I was asked that question, I was actually totally at a loss. I had no idea. So I gave the cliche answer of course. Then I continued to think about it all day. I believe God has something for me in Germany in regards to ministry and service. I don't know yet when that will be or for how long, but I know that it is in my future. That whole idea of wanting to go there is being shaped by God, what HE wants me to do there, not what I want to do there, even if my motives are pure or whatever. I listened to a sermon when I got home today from a pastor from South Africa, and he preached about world missions, from Psalm 96. What? He didn't use Matthew 28? The Great Commission? But, that's what all sermons on missions are about, right? Ha. Wrong again. This was brilliant. As I sit there on my bed with my Bible open and my iPod playing, I was intrigued. It's like I believed missions was about the people. Of course, it is, in sense. I mean, God calls us to make disciples of all nations, right? Well, that involves people: talking to people, serving people, loving people, helping people, encouraging people, teaching people, etc. But what I just realized I think for the first time tonight (what, even after going on a missions trip!?) was that missions is about GOD. Missions is about declaring his name. Psalm 96:3 says "Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among the peoples". It also says "For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all of the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary" (96:4-6). Ok, seriously though, everyone go read that whole chapter because I can't do it justice. But, I think what I realized is that the purpose of missions is to spread the name of Jesus, right? It's to tell people about God's grace. Why? Well, I believe there are two main reasons. One that I think most people, including myself, think about first, is so that people won't suffer hell, an eternal separation from God. And yes, that is a HUGE part of it. God doesn't want or desire anyone to perish, 2 Peter 3:9 says that. But I think a part of it that we are all missing is that God deserves for the world to worship Him. God desires people to praise His name. Psalm 96 uses different forms of the word "worship" over 10 times. God wants us to be in awe of Him. That's the piece I've been missing lately.
I don't claim to have this all figured out, because really, this is all new and fresh to me. But I am so excited and thankful that God is patient with me and rejoices with me when I finally figure out what He's been trying to tell me all along.
I hope that this made you think, because it's made me think a lot. Above all, I hope that this points you back to the Father and the divine sacrifice He made for us.
xoxo,
Laura.
As you may have noticed, I changed around my blog a bit. I am no longer "aussie bound" so I decided to make it more current :)
I have been home for almost 6 months now, which freaks me out a lot. I don't quite know how to start sharing about what my life has been like because it's been a bit of everything, really. Because it would take heaps of time to summarize the last 6 months, I'll just tell you about my last few weeks, hey!
Gosh, since I've been back, my life hasn't really made much sense. To be honest, I've been pretty unhappy back in Wichita. It's like, well, I travelled the world, essentially, for 6 months, and now I am back in Kansas going to community college and working a--what most people would call--boring desk job. I've never considered myself a pessimist, in fact, most people would probably see an optimist in me just because I am so smiley and outgoing and all of that surface stuff. But really, I typically tend to see the worse in things. In people, in situations, in life. That's just a part of me, I guess. What is my purpose in life here? is the question I ask myself almost every day, or at least I did. Recently I've just been existing; I haven't even been trying to challenge myself with the Lord's calling for my life in the moment. Of course I know I should be content here because this is where God has placed me for the moment. I know that I should be actively involved in a church and in serving others. I know I should be reading my Bible every day and spending time with Christ in prayer. I know I shouldn't be wasting my days by sleeping or watching movies. I know I should be actively seeking out relationships in hope to share the joy of Christ that I have been privileged to receive. Ha! I *know* all of these things, but have I been doing them?
The simple answer is no. The simple answer is I am a sinner.
I've sort of been in this "slump" lately. It's like somehow I've been treading in this gigantic sea and have been barely keeping my head above water the whole time, in hopes that someone or something will come along and toss me a life saver. It's like I've been waiting for someone to tell me, "Hey Laura, get your life together! Quit being lazy and go do something! Quit dwelling on the past but instead live in the place God has you now!" or " Come on, Laura, you've been searching for a new church for almost 6 months now. Just pick one already!" or "Geez Laura, I know you really want to go to Germany to do missions, but why can't you do missions here?" Or maybe I'm waiting for someone to hand me the secret to contentment here. I'm waiting for all of these things to happen, and it's like finally now I have realized that the gigantic sea I was struggling to keep my head above, was really just the shallow end of a swimming pool. All I needed to do was plant my feet on Solid Ground and just do it.
I think I've been searching for all the wrong "right" things. Let me explain. So, it's great to be involved in a church, I believe God desires that of us. It's also great to be active in sharing your faith and serving the least of these. It's great to read your Bible and pray every day. I had a friend tell me last week in a moment of honesty and vulnerability that core of your relationship with Christ *isn't* your relationship with Christ. Huh? No,the core of your relationship with Christ is Christ himself. It's not about all of these things that are good and righteous and essential in our Christian walk. It's about God. It's about the sacrifice He's made for us and fact that I am alive today because of His incredible grace. Even when this friend told me this last week it didn't really click.
But today, it's like a flood of revelation washed over me. It wasn't when I was sitting in church. It wasn't when I was reading the Word. It wasn't even when I was praying. Of course, God has taught me countless and incredible life changing things in those moments, but this one was different. It was when I was sitting in my psychology class. We were watching a documentary on the functions of the brain, essentially. An experiment was done with premature babies who had to stay in incubaters for a period of time, and what the effect of physical touch was on them. So they took half of the babies in the NICU and for the duration of the time they were there, massaged them for 45 minutes every day. The other half received all of the same treatment and care except they did not receive that physical touch each day. By the time they were released, the ones in the first group had grown and improved in their condition I think 47% more than the others. And even months later they showed better ability to walk and talk. So as I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, what the heck. This is me. It's not that I'm in my beginning, or baby stages in my relationship with Christ, but for the last few months I've been, well, I guess premature. Lacking nutrients. Lacking the essentials. I wasn't receiving my touch from God. I know that sounds weird, so let me try to explain it. Of course, it's not God's fault that I haven't been receiving a "massage" or whatever metaphor you want to use from Him. It was mine. If I had been allowing myself to receive God's mighty touch in my life and just soaking in His presence, I would be in a much better place, right? But I haven't been, so I haven't been growing as much as I should or could have been. And in that moment, I realized "what the heck. I've been focusing on all the wrong things. I've been focusing on find a church, finding a place to serve, beating myself up for not reading as much scripture or praying as often as I should, when I really need to focus on MY LORD AND SAVIOUR. And right there, in the middle of my psych class, I got really excited to be in relationship with my Father again. I know that if I can just allow God to work on my heart and break down all of these barriers I've built since I've been home, everything is going to fall into place. What an exciting thing!
A friend also challenged me to think about missions and what it actually means. Shoot, I should know what missions is, right? I went on a 6 month missions trip, I should be a pro, right? HA! Wrong. I'm not. At all. When I was asked that question, I was actually totally at a loss. I had no idea. So I gave the cliche answer of course. Then I continued to think about it all day. I believe God has something for me in Germany in regards to ministry and service. I don't know yet when that will be or for how long, but I know that it is in my future. That whole idea of wanting to go there is being shaped by God, what HE wants me to do there, not what I want to do there, even if my motives are pure or whatever. I listened to a sermon when I got home today from a pastor from South Africa, and he preached about world missions, from Psalm 96. What? He didn't use Matthew 28? The Great Commission? But, that's what all sermons on missions are about, right? Ha. Wrong again. This was brilliant. As I sit there on my bed with my Bible open and my iPod playing, I was intrigued. It's like I believed missions was about the people. Of course, it is, in sense. I mean, God calls us to make disciples of all nations, right? Well, that involves people: talking to people, serving people, loving people, helping people, encouraging people, teaching people, etc. But what I just realized I think for the first time tonight (what, even after going on a missions trip!?) was that missions is about GOD. Missions is about declaring his name. Psalm 96:3 says "Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among the peoples". It also says "For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all of the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary" (96:4-6). Ok, seriously though, everyone go read that whole chapter because I can't do it justice. But, I think what I realized is that the purpose of missions is to spread the name of Jesus, right? It's to tell people about God's grace. Why? Well, I believe there are two main reasons. One that I think most people, including myself, think about first, is so that people won't suffer hell, an eternal separation from God. And yes, that is a HUGE part of it. God doesn't want or desire anyone to perish, 2 Peter 3:9 says that. But I think a part of it that we are all missing is that God deserves for the world to worship Him. God desires people to praise His name. Psalm 96 uses different forms of the word "worship" over 10 times. God wants us to be in awe of Him. That's the piece I've been missing lately.
I don't claim to have this all figured out, because really, this is all new and fresh to me. But I am so excited and thankful that God is patient with me and rejoices with me when I finally figure out what He's been trying to tell me all along.
I hope that this made you think, because it's made me think a lot. Above all, I hope that this points you back to the Father and the divine sacrifice He made for us.
xoxo,
Laura.
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