Soul food

Today, while on a walk, I thought that maybe it would be a good idea (for perspective's sake) to formulate either in my head or on paper a list of things that make my soul feel alive. The first thing that came to my mind was, "well, if this is something I'm gonna end up blogging about, then I better have 'reading my Bible, praying, and listening to worship music on the list'". And then my second thought was "well, if you're really striving to be honest and genuine, then you won't put that". Because really, those things don't make my soul feel alive right now. I think being genuine is one of the most important qualities a person can have, and so I strive to always be honest with people and myself. The last year or so has been hard, I haven't hidden that from anyone. Therefore I feel like my faith has been challenged a bit. And by a bit I mean a lot. Right now I'm trying to figure out what I believe in and what kind of person I am supposed to be, or what kind of person I WANT to be. So you could say I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately.

Here's the thing. I think it's ok to be where I'm at right now. Doubting, questioning, dialoging with myself and others about faith and God and Jesus. Most things seem to be a gray area right now and I'm fighting through that to find truth.

So, when I ask myself, "Laura, what things feed your soul right now?" I think I could provide a non-exhaustive list. Here goes.
1. Taking walks
2. Houses in College Hill that remind me of Europe
3. Wild flowers
4. Giggling with my roommates
5. Cooking new foods
6. Traveling
7. Being able to have short conversations with people in German

Wherever you're at right now, remember that the whole of life is a process--making mistakes is a part of the journey. As long as you're never content with your growth, I think you're doing ok.

I encourage those of you who are reading to ask yourself "what feeds my soul? What makes my soul come alive?" Feel free to share if you want!

Be blessed, my friends.

Elastic Heart

I've been identifying a lot with Sia's song "Elastic Heart". She sings:

"And I want it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one"

Yeah. Red flags, man. I think I'm pretty good at identifying them, and even better at ignoring them. Usually I ignore them when my desires are louder than my, well, my sanity. I'm learning that making A TON of mistakes is kind of characteristic of your 20s. The thing is, red flags are there for a reason. Because, what's the outcome when you ignore them? Well, Sia does a good job at predicting it. Another one bites the dust. Now, I don't think she means literally (although, maybe--Sia is kind of a weirdo). I think she means part of your soul dies. Maybe that's extreme, but I can identify with that. And then when you're hurt by someone, how easy is it to trust other people? Not so. Hindsight is always 20/20, I realize, but sometimes I wish I could learn valuable life lessons without making the mistakes to get there. No one ever intentionally sets out to be like "hey I'm gonna make all these stupid mistakes and then take 3 months to recover from the heartache it brought!" I think that part of growing up, finding your identity, establishing your personhood--it's all this journey that kind of requires mistakes to be made. Of course, I'm not condoning sin, but, honestly, it's party of life, however awful it is. Trust--it takes way longer to build it than to destroy it. And when you ignore red flags, the ability to trust people gets way harder.

"Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close"

Isn't everyone like this? I mean, we all think we're invincible until something hard happens. I feel like a rubber band much of the time. I feel like I can handle a certain amount of emotional stress (particularly pertaining to relationships) and then when something too strenuous happens, I break. Never have I identified more with these lyrics than this year. 

You're probably like, Laura, all of your posts have been sooooo negative lately, good lord! Well, yeah, you're right. Maybe they have been negative. And sometimes I'm mad at myself for struggling so much with life. Then I realize, well, I'd rather be real than try to fake it all the time. Authenticity heals, if you ask me. When you're brave enough to open up to people about your struggles and your pain, there's some sort of healing power it brings. I value my ability to be vulnerable with people. That shoots me in the foot sometimes, but I'd rather be hurt my sharing too much than numb to all sort of ability to emotionally connect with people. 

Be real with each other, folks. Be vulnerable. Share your pain. Share your struggles. Let the words that come out of your mouth and travel to another person's heart heal you. Because isn't that what community is for? My relationship with God is still a work in progress (isn't everyone's?) but I do know that God wants us to lean on each other during hard times.

 

Ecclesiastics 4:9-12  

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Trust your instincts, notice the red flags, learn to trust people after it seems you can't trust anyone, don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Life is not meant to be lived in solitude. 

Tired

I've been tired lately. Exhausted, really. To be honest, for the last year I haven't really felt like myself. Seems like there has just been one struggle after another. Some because of choices I have made, but some because life just happens. So I guess I can say, life has got me down.

Sometimes I wonder, does God get tired of me? Does God get tired of me making stupid decisions? Does God get tired of me complaining about my struggles? Does God get tired of seeing me bawl my eyes out on the bathroom floor? Does God get tired of me ignoring Him and choosing to be in control of my life?

I know that in my head, the answer is no. God doesn't. God loves unconditionally, as the Bible says, which means that God could never get tired of my failures, my decisions, and my struggles. But it's hard to believe when I'm tired of myself.

Lately I've been hurt and disappointed by several people in my life, and it's really affected me. Letting go of things has never been an easy thing for me to do. But it's the season of life that I am currently in. Letting go of my past decisions and mistakes, letting go of friendships/relationships that aren't healthy for me--this has been difficult. And I feel like it's literally sucking the life out of me. It seems impossible to get back to a healthy spot.

I wonder how do I do that? How do I get to a healthy spot? I don't remember the last time I felt consistently happy and whole for a long period of time. I know that the only way to get there is to let God fix me, but I think I'm scared of that. I think that I'm scared of allowing God to work on my heart because then I know He's going to reveal things that I don't want to have to deal with. He's gonna show me my sin that I haven't dealt with, the underlying causes of why I do things the way I do, and sometimes I don't want to have to deal with it. But I know I have to. Otherwise another year will go by and I'll still be in the same place.

I guess what I want to say is, sometimes there are seasons in your life that are longer and harder and more painful than the others, but I truly believe lessons are to be learned in each of those times. I know that everything I've experienced and mistakes I've made have all been for a reason. I know that God is teaching me things even if I don't know what they are quite yet. I'm thankful for the blessings God chooses to give me even when I don't deserve it. I'm glad for genuine friendships with people who will love me unconditionally. I am thankful for times of laughter with friends. I am thankful for the family that loves and supports me.

I choose to believe God still loves me and still wants what is best for me even when I know I don't deserve it. I am forgiven and made clean. Thank you, Jesus.

Spoon-feed Me

Well, this year has been a total whirlwind, to say the least. I think this year has brought the most changes, challenges, heartache, and growth than any year so far. And I have a feeling that this coming year might exceed the previous year in those.

One thing I've learned this year is that the older you get, the harder life is. It brings to life different fears that you never knew existed before. Life brings challenges that you never knew you could overcome. It laughs in your face as it waits in expectation to for you to fall on your butt and never get back up. But through it all, your soul becomes better. Your personhood is changed and molded, in both good and bad ways. You learn how to adapt to change, to heartache, to disappointment. And the harder life gets, the stronger (or weaker) you become. Life kind of has the ability to do that: change a person. You either learn how to adjust to its challenges or you shrivel up into a ball and are defeated.

Another thing I've learned is that you can't help everyone. Sometimes you can't even help one person. You see, in order to help someone, they have to be open to it. There are some people in this world who simply do not know how to accept love from people. Whether it is because of past heartache, lack of emotional connection to people, or some other external force, they just can't. And that sucks when it is someone you love with all of your heart. And then there are some times when a person walks into your life just for a moment, and you think it will last forever. But life is made of seasons. Not everyone sticks around for the winters, you know?

You know how incredibly patient God is? Even when you doubt Him or reject Him or decide that He's not worth your time, He's still there. I know that because that's been me the last year. I've never been dishonest with anyone about where I've been with God, but I've not been very vocal about either, because who wants to hear from a girl who was raised in a Christian home and going to church 2-3 times a week, and then dedicated 6 months of her life to overseas missions, that her relationship with God was basically nonexistent? A friend told me the other week that she had a similar experience as me, and that she had to tell someone in her life that she needed Jesus to be spoonfed to her, and she didn't even know if she wanted to swallow. That metaphor was the perfect way for me to describe where I was in my relationship with God. It wasn't like something catastrophic and traumatizing happened in my life that caused me to hate or doubt God or anything like that. It was more like little disappointments and hurts added up and all the sudden I realized I had become calloused to God's love. I didn't want to hear people talk about Him--heck, I didn't even want to talk to Him--I didn't want to feel anything. I was bitter and numb and angry. And I still am in some ways. But now I know it. Now I am trying to make steps in becoming the person I was before--which is not entirely possible, I know. I'm simply trying to be honest with God. Sometimes I tell him, "Hey God, I don't want to talk to your right now, but I know I should, and plus you know everything in my heart already, so I might as well tell you." I'm pretty blatant with Him lately. And that's ok, God can handle it. He can handle my anger, my sin, my disgust, my bitterness, my apathy. So, now I'm grateful for a God that doesn't give up on His children.

I know that this year will bring new challenges and heartache, but I'm confident that I will grow as a person and learn new truths about God and about people. Guys, it's ok to be broken. It's the best place to be, I think. No one is perfect, and we all have struggles. Being real with God and with people is the best thing you can do for yourself, in any situation you're put in.

Thanks for listening. Be blessed.

Change is inevitable.

Two things I really hate are cliches and hypocrisy. So I try to avoid them at all costs. One is worse than the other, of course. One has consequences, one is a sin. But I hate them both. Which means I also sometimes hate myself, because I can be a hypocrite at times. I've been in this weird phase the last few months and every time I have tried to blog, I just lose all of my thoughts and can't seem to get them out of my head. So I would imagine that this blog post will be pretty sporadic.

Let's start with my change of opinion about singleness. Growing up, I always thought I would be married by the time I was 20 (which is now!). I always romanticized the idea of dating and marriage and companionship. I've had my share of crushes and very short term relationships. I've always wanted to be a mom and a stay at home house wife. In the past year, my opinion on relationships and singleness has flipped 180. I had a pretty negative experience with someone in the past year which really influenced my current opinion. That could be a whole 'nother blog post but I choose to spare the details. Then I confronted someone else about my feelings and was not surprised to find out that it wouldn't work out. These two experiences sort of mingled with each other somehow and now I actually want to be single. In fact, I think God is going to really have to convince me to marry someone, whenever that will be. I am really enjoying my singleness right now and can really see the benefits of it. I kind of hate it when people say to me "Don't worry, God is going to bring along somebody when the timing is right!" No where in the Bible or through personal revelations has God told me that He was going to provide me with a life long companion. So, unless God has told you something He hasn't told me, you don't know that for sure. Perhaps people say that because they don't know what else to say and they want to comfort or encourage. And also, I think young women, especially Christian ones, tend to think that marriage is kind of the end goal--that once you get married, your life is complete. In my opinion, that's the most ridiculous ideal ever. But I believed it for many years. Now, I want to do so many things before I settle down and have to answer to someone other than myself. Marriage is not the end goal, but just another phase of life that you get to enjoy (and sometimes not enjoy) with another person. Anyway, if you asked me a year ago what I thought about singleness, I would try to convince you that I was content being single but in my heart I would feel the total opposite. Now, I can say with full confidence that I prefer to be single and want to remain that way for a very long time, or as long as possible.

Another shift I have made recently is my spiritual life. I don't want to use this blog as an outlet for "tell-all secrets" but I will say that my spiritual life looks completely different than it did 6 months ago. And that's ok. God doesn't love me any less or any more. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't grown up in the church, with pastors and teachers using the Bible and their faith as an excuse to push their own agenda (not all of them are that way, of course), what would my faith look like. Like if I had just happened to pick up the Bible one day, without having any prior knowledge, how different my Christianity would look. I'm still trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with God and still be my own person. I'm trying to strip away all of the negative views I  have on Christianity and all of the false teachings I've had soaked into my brain since I was young. Yet, in the midst of all of this, I still remain certain that God loves me and that my salvation is secure in Him.

Life looks a lot differently for me nowadays and I'm ok with that. It's part of growing up. If you're reading this and you know anything of how I feel or what the heck I'm talking about, know that you're not alone in this mess of life! Life is messy, but that's the beauty of it. I'm excited to see where life takes me and how I continue to grow.

Wrinkle Cream

When I'm old, I'm not gonna use wrinkle cream. I'm not gonna try to cover up all those lines across my face that society tells you makes you old and ugly. Because each of those lines tells a story. The wrinkles around my eyes will tell stories of laughter and joy spent with friends and family. The wrinkles across my forehead will tell the stories of pain and heartache that I pushed through. So, no, when I'm older and my wrinkles start to show, I'm not gonna spend hundreds of dollars on wrinkle cream to keep me looking young.


As I've been in this phase for a while now, more than a month, I think people expect me to be fine. People expect me to be fine. People expect me to get over anything that's happened. And at this point, I expect the same thing. So the easiest thing to do is put a smile on my face and act normal. Act like myself again. It's easier to convince people that way and eventually I will be. No, I haven't forgiven someone from my past for hurting me. No, I haven't let go of things that could have been. No, I don't always feel like hanging out with friends like I used to. But yes, I'm trying to be fine and I think that eventually I will be.Right now I think I'm developing more forehead wrinkles than eye wrinkles. But that's ok. Soon I will be creating more eye wrinkles. Life is a series of ups and downs. There will be times of sorrow and times of joy. Reminds me of the passage in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Why September 25 is a significant day.

Two years ago.

Two years ago today I left the country for half a year to pursue an adventure in missions. Two years ago today I left my family and friends for six months. Two years ago today I did something that I had planned on doing for over a year. Two years ago today I left for Newcastle today to complete a discipleship training school with YWAM.

I can't even believe it's been that long. Two years does not seem like it's gone by. I'm a completely different person today than I was two years ago. I mean, I'm a completely different person than I was six months ago too.

For this blog post, I want to post a few pictures from my trip that marked a significant changing point in my life.

This picture is from a day center in Riga, Latvia. This day was significant for me because it reminded me of times I felt like these kids--lonely, hopeless, sad. And it also reminded me that although things might seem dark, there is hope in the Lord.

This was one of the days that we were trying to raise the rest of the funds for our outreach. We were spending the day in worship and prayer. It was around this time that I received word that someone had anonymously donated $1200 (exactly the amount I needed for outreach) to me. This was the day that I really saw God's provision right at work!

This girl. This girl represents God's ability to change hearts. This night was the night that I saw that at work. That's all I will say :)

This was the day that I spent homeless. I slept on a train with newspaper to keep me warm. I ate crackers and expired chips for dinner. I walked around the beach and prayed for people. This day changed my life and my perspective.

This was the first day I got to explore a bit of Australia. My beautiful friend Emma let us stay with her for a few days before DTS started. We went to this zoo and got to feed kangaroos. I was in bliss. This was the beginning of my dreams coming true!

This might have been one of the most significant days of my life. My friend Manu and I got to talk with a cross-dresser we met in the red light district of Sydney. This was also the day (I think) that I gave my purity ring away to a homeless, heroine-addicted woman. It was beautiful. If you want to read more about this day, go to 

http://gloriouslyforgiven.blogspot.com/2013/01/living-like-jesus-loving-prostitutes.html 

This was the day after we arrived in Moldova. I was in culture shock for a few days. But God showed me that His light was bright enough to shine in the darkest of places.

This was the day I decided to go to Latvia/Moldova on outreach. This was a hard decision for me because I couldn't decide between there or Thailand. This was the time that God showed me that He doesn't necessarily show me directly what He wants me to do, but He allows me to make my own decisions all the while trusting in Him.

This day Katie, Jess, and I were able to teach kids English in a village in Moldova. Little did I know that this day would play a significant role in a decision in my life two years later.

Australia, I miss you. Latvia, I miss you. Moldova, I miss you.