Elastic Heart

I've been identifying a lot with Sia's song "Elastic Heart". She sings:

"And I want it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one"

Yeah. Red flags, man. I think I'm pretty good at identifying them, and even better at ignoring them. Usually I ignore them when my desires are louder than my, well, my sanity. I'm learning that making A TON of mistakes is kind of characteristic of your 20s. The thing is, red flags are there for a reason. Because, what's the outcome when you ignore them? Well, Sia does a good job at predicting it. Another one bites the dust. Now, I don't think she means literally (although, maybe--Sia is kind of a weirdo). I think she means part of your soul dies. Maybe that's extreme, but I can identify with that. And then when you're hurt by someone, how easy is it to trust other people? Not so. Hindsight is always 20/20, I realize, but sometimes I wish I could learn valuable life lessons without making the mistakes to get there. No one ever intentionally sets out to be like "hey I'm gonna make all these stupid mistakes and then take 3 months to recover from the heartache it brought!" I think that part of growing up, finding your identity, establishing your personhood--it's all this journey that kind of requires mistakes to be made. Of course, I'm not condoning sin, but, honestly, it's party of life, however awful it is. Trust--it takes way longer to build it than to destroy it. And when you ignore red flags, the ability to trust people gets way harder.

"Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close"

Isn't everyone like this? I mean, we all think we're invincible until something hard happens. I feel like a rubber band much of the time. I feel like I can handle a certain amount of emotional stress (particularly pertaining to relationships) and then when something too strenuous happens, I break. Never have I identified more with these lyrics than this year. 

You're probably like, Laura, all of your posts have been sooooo negative lately, good lord! Well, yeah, you're right. Maybe they have been negative. And sometimes I'm mad at myself for struggling so much with life. Then I realize, well, I'd rather be real than try to fake it all the time. Authenticity heals, if you ask me. When you're brave enough to open up to people about your struggles and your pain, there's some sort of healing power it brings. I value my ability to be vulnerable with people. That shoots me in the foot sometimes, but I'd rather be hurt my sharing too much than numb to all sort of ability to emotionally connect with people. 

Be real with each other, folks. Be vulnerable. Share your pain. Share your struggles. Let the words that come out of your mouth and travel to another person's heart heal you. Because isn't that what community is for? My relationship with God is still a work in progress (isn't everyone's?) but I do know that God wants us to lean on each other during hard times.

 

Ecclesiastics 4:9-12  

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Trust your instincts, notice the red flags, learn to trust people after it seems you can't trust anyone, don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Life is not meant to be lived in solitude. 

Tired

I've been tired lately. Exhausted, really. To be honest, for the last year I haven't really felt like myself. Seems like there has just been one struggle after another. Some because of choices I have made, but some because life just happens. So I guess I can say, life has got me down.

Sometimes I wonder, does God get tired of me? Does God get tired of me making stupid decisions? Does God get tired of me complaining about my struggles? Does God get tired of seeing me bawl my eyes out on the bathroom floor? Does God get tired of me ignoring Him and choosing to be in control of my life?

I know that in my head, the answer is no. God doesn't. God loves unconditionally, as the Bible says, which means that God could never get tired of my failures, my decisions, and my struggles. But it's hard to believe when I'm tired of myself.

Lately I've been hurt and disappointed by several people in my life, and it's really affected me. Letting go of things has never been an easy thing for me to do. But it's the season of life that I am currently in. Letting go of my past decisions and mistakes, letting go of friendships/relationships that aren't healthy for me--this has been difficult. And I feel like it's literally sucking the life out of me. It seems impossible to get back to a healthy spot.

I wonder how do I do that? How do I get to a healthy spot? I don't remember the last time I felt consistently happy and whole for a long period of time. I know that the only way to get there is to let God fix me, but I think I'm scared of that. I think that I'm scared of allowing God to work on my heart because then I know He's going to reveal things that I don't want to have to deal with. He's gonna show me my sin that I haven't dealt with, the underlying causes of why I do things the way I do, and sometimes I don't want to have to deal with it. But I know I have to. Otherwise another year will go by and I'll still be in the same place.

I guess what I want to say is, sometimes there are seasons in your life that are longer and harder and more painful than the others, but I truly believe lessons are to be learned in each of those times. I know that everything I've experienced and mistakes I've made have all been for a reason. I know that God is teaching me things even if I don't know what they are quite yet. I'm thankful for the blessings God chooses to give me even when I don't deserve it. I'm glad for genuine friendships with people who will love me unconditionally. I am thankful for times of laughter with friends. I am thankful for the family that loves and supports me.

I choose to believe God still loves me and still wants what is best for me even when I know I don't deserve it. I am forgiven and made clean. Thank you, Jesus.

Spoon-feed Me

Well, this year has been a total whirlwind, to say the least. I think this year has brought the most changes, challenges, heartache, and growth than any year so far. And I have a feeling that this coming year might exceed the previous year in those.

One thing I've learned this year is that the older you get, the harder life is. It brings to life different fears that you never knew existed before. Life brings challenges that you never knew you could overcome. It laughs in your face as it waits in expectation to for you to fall on your butt and never get back up. But through it all, your soul becomes better. Your personhood is changed and molded, in both good and bad ways. You learn how to adapt to change, to heartache, to disappointment. And the harder life gets, the stronger (or weaker) you become. Life kind of has the ability to do that: change a person. You either learn how to adjust to its challenges or you shrivel up into a ball and are defeated.

Another thing I've learned is that you can't help everyone. Sometimes you can't even help one person. You see, in order to help someone, they have to be open to it. There are some people in this world who simply do not know how to accept love from people. Whether it is because of past heartache, lack of emotional connection to people, or some other external force, they just can't. And that sucks when it is someone you love with all of your heart. And then there are some times when a person walks into your life just for a moment, and you think it will last forever. But life is made of seasons. Not everyone sticks around for the winters, you know?

You know how incredibly patient God is? Even when you doubt Him or reject Him or decide that He's not worth your time, He's still there. I know that because that's been me the last year. I've never been dishonest with anyone about where I've been with God, but I've not been very vocal about either, because who wants to hear from a girl who was raised in a Christian home and going to church 2-3 times a week, and then dedicated 6 months of her life to overseas missions, that her relationship with God was basically nonexistent? A friend told me the other week that she had a similar experience as me, and that she had to tell someone in her life that she needed Jesus to be spoonfed to her, and she didn't even know if she wanted to swallow. That metaphor was the perfect way for me to describe where I was in my relationship with God. It wasn't like something catastrophic and traumatizing happened in my life that caused me to hate or doubt God or anything like that. It was more like little disappointments and hurts added up and all the sudden I realized I had become calloused to God's love. I didn't want to hear people talk about Him--heck, I didn't even want to talk to Him--I didn't want to feel anything. I was bitter and numb and angry. And I still am in some ways. But now I know it. Now I am trying to make steps in becoming the person I was before--which is not entirely possible, I know. I'm simply trying to be honest with God. Sometimes I tell him, "Hey God, I don't want to talk to your right now, but I know I should, and plus you know everything in my heart already, so I might as well tell you." I'm pretty blatant with Him lately. And that's ok, God can handle it. He can handle my anger, my sin, my disgust, my bitterness, my apathy. So, now I'm grateful for a God that doesn't give up on His children.

I know that this year will bring new challenges and heartache, but I'm confident that I will grow as a person and learn new truths about God and about people. Guys, it's ok to be broken. It's the best place to be, I think. No one is perfect, and we all have struggles. Being real with God and with people is the best thing you can do for yourself, in any situation you're put in.

Thanks for listening. Be blessed.