Elastic Heart

I've been identifying a lot with Sia's song "Elastic Heart". She sings:

"And I want it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one"

Yeah. Red flags, man. I think I'm pretty good at identifying them, and even better at ignoring them. Usually I ignore them when my desires are louder than my, well, my sanity. I'm learning that making A TON of mistakes is kind of characteristic of your 20s. The thing is, red flags are there for a reason. Because, what's the outcome when you ignore them? Well, Sia does a good job at predicting it. Another one bites the dust. Now, I don't think she means literally (although, maybe--Sia is kind of a weirdo). I think she means part of your soul dies. Maybe that's extreme, but I can identify with that. And then when you're hurt by someone, how easy is it to trust other people? Not so. Hindsight is always 20/20, I realize, but sometimes I wish I could learn valuable life lessons without making the mistakes to get there. No one ever intentionally sets out to be like "hey I'm gonna make all these stupid mistakes and then take 3 months to recover from the heartache it brought!" I think that part of growing up, finding your identity, establishing your personhood--it's all this journey that kind of requires mistakes to be made. Of course, I'm not condoning sin, but, honestly, it's party of life, however awful it is. Trust--it takes way longer to build it than to destroy it. And when you ignore red flags, the ability to trust people gets way harder.

"Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close"

Isn't everyone like this? I mean, we all think we're invincible until something hard happens. I feel like a rubber band much of the time. I feel like I can handle a certain amount of emotional stress (particularly pertaining to relationships) and then when something too strenuous happens, I break. Never have I identified more with these lyrics than this year. 

You're probably like, Laura, all of your posts have been sooooo negative lately, good lord! Well, yeah, you're right. Maybe they have been negative. And sometimes I'm mad at myself for struggling so much with life. Then I realize, well, I'd rather be real than try to fake it all the time. Authenticity heals, if you ask me. When you're brave enough to open up to people about your struggles and your pain, there's some sort of healing power it brings. I value my ability to be vulnerable with people. That shoots me in the foot sometimes, but I'd rather be hurt my sharing too much than numb to all sort of ability to emotionally connect with people. 

Be real with each other, folks. Be vulnerable. Share your pain. Share your struggles. Let the words that come out of your mouth and travel to another person's heart heal you. Because isn't that what community is for? My relationship with God is still a work in progress (isn't everyone's?) but I do know that God wants us to lean on each other during hard times.

 

Ecclesiastics 4:9-12  

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Trust your instincts, notice the red flags, learn to trust people after it seems you can't trust anyone, don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Life is not meant to be lived in solitude. 

Tired

I've been tired lately. Exhausted, really. To be honest, for the last year I haven't really felt like myself. Seems like there has just been one struggle after another. Some because of choices I have made, but some because life just happens. So I guess I can say, life has got me down.

Sometimes I wonder, does God get tired of me? Does God get tired of me making stupid decisions? Does God get tired of me complaining about my struggles? Does God get tired of seeing me bawl my eyes out on the bathroom floor? Does God get tired of me ignoring Him and choosing to be in control of my life?

I know that in my head, the answer is no. God doesn't. God loves unconditionally, as the Bible says, which means that God could never get tired of my failures, my decisions, and my struggles. But it's hard to believe when I'm tired of myself.

Lately I've been hurt and disappointed by several people in my life, and it's really affected me. Letting go of things has never been an easy thing for me to do. But it's the season of life that I am currently in. Letting go of my past decisions and mistakes, letting go of friendships/relationships that aren't healthy for me--this has been difficult. And I feel like it's literally sucking the life out of me. It seems impossible to get back to a healthy spot.

I wonder how do I do that? How do I get to a healthy spot? I don't remember the last time I felt consistently happy and whole for a long period of time. I know that the only way to get there is to let God fix me, but I think I'm scared of that. I think that I'm scared of allowing God to work on my heart because then I know He's going to reveal things that I don't want to have to deal with. He's gonna show me my sin that I haven't dealt with, the underlying causes of why I do things the way I do, and sometimes I don't want to have to deal with it. But I know I have to. Otherwise another year will go by and I'll still be in the same place.

I guess what I want to say is, sometimes there are seasons in your life that are longer and harder and more painful than the others, but I truly believe lessons are to be learned in each of those times. I know that everything I've experienced and mistakes I've made have all been for a reason. I know that God is teaching me things even if I don't know what they are quite yet. I'm thankful for the blessings God chooses to give me even when I don't deserve it. I'm glad for genuine friendships with people who will love me unconditionally. I am thankful for times of laughter with friends. I am thankful for the family that loves and supports me.

I choose to believe God still loves me and still wants what is best for me even when I know I don't deserve it. I am forgiven and made clean. Thank you, Jesus.